When the unimaginable strikes, leaving scars that are both seen and unseen, how does one navigate the path to healing and advocacy? Stephanie Bond, a survivor of extreme domestic violence, steps forward to share an intimate glimpse into her life-altering experience and her commitment to empowering others. Through her eyes, you'll be offered a raw and unfiltered look into the complexities of mental health within abusive relationships and the resilience it takes to emerge from the darkness with purpose.
As Stephanie recounts the traumatic day that saw her estranged husband turn a gun on her and himself, the conversation illuminates the stark realities of firearm accessibility and law enforcement's response to those in mental health crises. The discussion will explore not only the physical pain endured but the emotional labyrinth navigated by survivors. It's a tale of survival that questions the systems in place and the broader implications of gun ownership among those struggling with mental illness, especially in circumstances marred by domestic violence.
Beyond the retelling of Stephanie's personal journey, the episode also casts a light on the often-overlooked facets of abuse, such as financial control and societal judgment. Listeners will be motivated to recognize the signs of abuse and the critical importance of support networks in offering sanctuary to those in crisis. As we delve into the collective effort required to support women and children escaping violence and the role every one of us can play, listeners will be reminded of the strength found in shared stories and the collective call to action they inspire.
When the unimaginable strikes, leaving scars that are both seen and unseen, how does one navigate the path to healing and advocacy? Stephanie Bond, a survivor of extreme domestic violence, steps forward to share an intimate glimpse into her life-altering experience and her commitment to empowering others. Through her eyes, you'll be offered a raw and unfiltered look into the complexities of mental health within abusive relationships and the resilience it takes to emerge from the darkness with purpose.
As Stephanie recounts the traumatic day that saw her estranged husband turn a gun on her and himself, the conversation illuminates the stark realities of firearm accessibility and law enforcement's response to those in mental health crises. The discussion will explore not only the physical pain endured but the emotional labyrinth navigated by survivors. It's a tale of survival that questions the systems in place and the broader implications of gun ownership among those struggling with mental illness, especially in circumstances marred by domestic violence.
Beyond the retelling of Stephanie's personal journey, the episode also casts a light on the often-overlooked facets of abuse, such as financial control and societal judgment. Listeners will be motivated to recognize the signs of abuse and the critical importance of support networks in offering sanctuary to those in crisis. As we delve into the collective effort required to support women and children escaping violence and the role every one of us can play, listeners will be reminded of the strength found in shared stories and the collective call to action they inspire.
Stephanie Bond is a survivor and a survivor leader living in Dallas, texas. Today, she shares her personal experience of domestic violence and her mission to help others transcend beyond their own personal tragedy. I'm Maria McMullen and this is Genesis, the podcast. This episode includes details of domestic violence and intimate partner abuse that some may find troubling or triggering. Stephanie, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much, maria.
Speaker 2:I am honored to be here.
Speaker 1:You've been very open about the experiences of physical violence, financial abuse and other forms of domestic violence that you experienced. You have a website, StephanieJBondcom, a TikTok channel. At StephanieJBond, You've given keynote remarks and you're an expert, because survivors of domestic violence any survivor is an expert, and this month marks 14 years since I guess we could say the day that everything changed for you. Yes, Will you share with us what happened to you in February 2010? Absolutely.
Speaker 2:It was a Saturday afternoon. It was a Saturday much like most others in our family. My oldest son was at an away basketball game and it was just kind of a random thought that I mean we had all intentions of attending his game that day, but I lived in Illinois and weather can be somewhat dicey that time of year in the Midwest, and so just a random decision not to go to the game because there was a threat of black ice on that particular afternoon. We decided to stay home. So it was about four o'clock in the afternoon my husband called me into. He said there was something he wanted to speak to me about, but not in front of the children, and he asked me to follow him into the bedroom. I was, we were having marital problems, we had been separated and you know I was somewhat exasperated, like what on earth we're going to talk about again the same conversations that we've been having every day, about the state of our marriage, the children, the business we had, a we had a real estate business in Illinois finances, on and on. But he called me back into the bedroom and when we got to the bedroom area he turned to face me and there was a foreign object in the front pocket of this hooded sweatshirt and he pulled out a 45 caliber handgun. By the time I realized he had a gun I was. There was nothing I could do. He grabbed me and he pushed me into the far corner of our walk-in closet and he shot me three times before he turned the gun on himself and you know it was. It was a horrific experience that I had no idea was about to happen. The first bullet entered my left foot and exited the arch of my foot and I remember thinking, oh my God, you just shot me. Like it was, it was incomprehensible. And the next thing I remember was I collapsed onto the floor face down, my face was buried into the carpet and it took me a couple of minutes to realize, or a couple of seconds to realize, that I had been shot a second time and that bullet had blown out about an inch and a half of my femur and grazed my femoral artery. That bullet was almost fatal. And then the third bullet went in my right hip and exited my groin and I'm laying there trying not to move, I'm trying to be very still. I hear my husband fiddle with a gun and I'm almost certain the next bullet is going to be in the back of my head. Instead, he put the gun in his mouth, fell to the floor and died next to me.
Speaker 2:Three of the four children were home at the time. Like I said, our oldest was away at a basketball game and they claimed that they didn't hear the gunshots. But they did hear my cries for help. My then 14-year-old son called 911 on the house phone and my then six-year-old daughter ran down to the master bedroom area where our bodies lay and I remember telling her don't look, but see if you can see my cell phone. It had fallen during the scuffle and I needed her to bring me a cell phone to call 911 for help. She found the phone, she stepped over her dad's body and my children saved my life. I remember everything about that day. I remember what I was wearing, I remember what the weather was like. I remembered the smell of the gunshots for years. I remember the 911 operator.
Speaker 2:It took that.
Speaker 2:we lived out in a rural part of Champaign County, Illinois, and it took law enforcement and paramedics about 15 minutes to get to the house to get to me and I remember that when I was talking to the 911 operator, at one point I was so weak that from the blood loss that the cell phone fell and I didn't have the strength to pick it up and put it back up to my ear. And I remember I could still hear her and she was amazing in that she was doing everything to keep me calm and during our conversation I was giving her sort of directions as to where in the house our bodies were. So I remember when the sheriff got there, the first thing he said he had his gun drawn and he said put your hands up. And I said yes, yes, and I said I can't. I've been shot my husband's dead, but I need help and I need it very quickly. So you know they went and checked him out first and then the paramedics came to me and I remember them cutting off my clothes to assess the severity of my wounds.
Speaker 2:I remember the pain. I remember them getting me on a stretcher and I remember the ride to the hospital and it was every bump, every turn was the worst pain imaginable. I remember hearing the sounds of the sirens and the ambulance, thinking my God, this is because of me and it was very surreal. When I got to the hospital, the first thing they did was they did a scan to assess the severity of my injuries. And I remember when, again when they moved me. I remember screaming out in pain. It was the worst pain I think a person could endure and I remember praying for them to put to take me to the OR to put me to sleep so that the pain would stop. And I remember everything very vividly until that moment. The first surgery that they did was a vein graft, because the bullet that grazed my femoral artery, like I said previously, was almost fatal, and I was later told that when I got to the hospital I had about a third of my blood in my system. So they did a vein graft to repair that vein and to keep me from bleeding out.
Speaker 2:I remember waking up in ICU and by that time my father and my brother and his wife were at the hospital. They were there. When I woke up, my mother was actually here in Dallas taking care of my niece and nephews, and so they were scrambling to try to get her back to Illinois to beep on my side Once I was in the hospital. My memory isn't quite so clear. I thought I was in ICU for about a day or two, and when I reviewed the medical records it was more like a week. I was in the hospital for a month. I had several surgeries. At one point Amputation was discussed because my leg was so destroyed. Thankfully that didn't happen. But I was in the hospital for a month. There were several surgeries. I graduated to a wheelchair for a month and then I had a walker and a cane and a year of physical therapy. Yeah, and so that was that's sort of the reader's digest version of the events of that horrific day.
Speaker 1:I remember you telling me, when, last time that we talked about your experience, about your son's reaction when he came home, the one, your son, who was at the basketball game, you know that is an experience that no child should ever have to go through.
Speaker 2:So my oldest was 16. And he comes home from a basketball game and he comes home to a crime scene. There's yellow crime scene tape.
Speaker 1:And no one had notified him.
Speaker 2:No, he the shooting was at four o'clock. We were on the five o'clock news and I think he was driving home sometime around 435 ish, okay. So when he got to the home, he actually passed me in the ambulance, going the opposite direction, not knowing that I was in the ambulance. When law enforcement got to the house, the first thing they did before they came to me was they got the children out of the home. My daughter and I had been out earlier that day. We had had a manicure, pedicure, and so she was the only one fully dressed. She had her shoes and she had a coat readily available. But one of the boys didn't have shoes, one of them didn't have a coat, and our driveway was almost a half a mile long. So the children exited the house partially dressed. One of the children. Their recollection is that they remember seeing the guns pointed to our master bedroom window where our bodies lay. So here, these poor kids don't know what's going on.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 2:They see guns drawn, pointed to, you know where their parents are and they are immediately put into the back of a police car. And I know my daughter fell asleep in the police car. And again, it was cold, it was a gray, ugly day. And when my oldest got to the house and saw all this chaos he went to his siblings and they were very reluctant to let him speak to them, but he was able to say it's going to be okay, they're going to take you to the police station and I'll get you there.
Speaker 2:So I mean, that's a heavy, heavy lift for a 16 year old high school kid. He's the one that called my mom and again who was here in Dallas, and he said Mama Pat, I've got some awful news my dad is dead, my mom's been shot, but she's going to be okay. So he was the one that informed my family of what had happened. So then my mom got on the phone to my brother, who was in Chicago for the weekend, and my father, who my parents lived outside St Louis and then they met in Champaign, illinois, to be by my side.
Speaker 2:When my mom got to Champaign, she actually lived with us for several months Because she was the one that made sure the kids got to school, that brought them to see me at the hospital to make sure that their lives there was as much stability and routine and she was just a real pillar of support for them during that time. So she was with us until I was upwardly mobile and could drive, which was about May or June. The shooting was in February. So she was with us till about May or June.
Speaker 1:What an incredible story of survival. I mean, we're blessed to have you here. We're blessed that you share your story with us and see how much you've accomplished since that day in February 2010. Your husband owned guns correct and so, and he shot you with a 45.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And you had told me some details about shooting with a 45. I've never shot a gun, so I don't know anything about them, how they you know what the best firearm of choice would be for what situation, but can you recount that for us?
Speaker 2:Sure, sure. So in our younger days in college, we, you know, used to go target shooting.
Speaker 2:I had a 22, which is a rather small handgun that you know a lot of women have because it's easy to fire A 45. On the other hand, a 45 caliber, that's a big bullet and I was shot in very close proximity in our walk-in closet, so there wasn't a lot of distance between the gun and me. When you the bigger the bullet, the bigger the kick. The kick is when you fire a gun like you see people where they jerk back the recoil, and a gun that fires a 45 caliber bullet, you're a lot more precise when there's distance because you can accommodate for that recoil. People would say to me well, he didn't mean to kill you and you know if he would. If he or else he was a really bad aim, because if he meant to kill you, he would have shot you where it killed you.
Speaker 2:And I take issue with comments like that because, again, a 45 caliber bullet, you cannot aim that. That's such close proximity and I think he had every intention of killing me because of where our bodies lay. Again, it was the furthest, most remote corner of the house and I think he fully intended for me to just bleed to death back there in our walk-in closet. The other thing I think and this resonates with a lot of other survivors that I've spoken with people die every day of injuries far less severe than mine. People will die from a smaller you know gunshot wound. People die from car accidents. Surviving three shots from that caliber of a gun is nothing short of miraculous, and one of the reasons I share my story today is I was given a second chance. There is no reason why I should be here today, statistically speaking, it is purely divine intervention, and if I was given a God-given second chance, I'm gonna do everything I can to help other women by sharing my story.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would agree that this is a miracle that you're here, considering everything that you experienced. Now, in addition to the unusual choice of firearm, your husband also was living with mental illness. Yes, yes. So, leading up to that day, were you experiencing abuse? Were you in an abusive relationship, as you would, you know, determine it?
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely. We were married for 22 years. We had started a family business together where we owned student housing on the University of Illinois campus and at the time of his death I would say we were one of the largest, probably top five, landlords on that campus. Around 2000, I would say he started experiencing some anxiety and depression and our business was growing fast. We had a young family. There were perfectly logical, reasonable explanations for the level of stress of young entrepreneurial family, you know, with active children and financial responsibilities. I mean that was normal.
Speaker 2:He started getting therapy, counseling, and there were some changes in his provider and so I don't recall the year, but probably around 2002, he started seeing a new provider and it was called the private practice and there was the psychiatrist who was a peer of my husband, a nurse practitioner who in Illinois was given leeway to prescribe all the medication, and her daughter was the receptionist. So it was a very small, a very small organization and he started, you know he was on various medications and I would just say that, oh, he saw them for about eight and a half years and he didn't get better, he got worse and he was cycled off so many meds that I wholeheartedly believe that the number of medications in his system changed his core personality. And I also remember thinking very strongly that my husband suffers from mental illness and if this is a true illness, like diabetes, like cardiovascular disease, like cancer, it is my job, it's my duty to stick by my husband, to make sure he gets the care that he needs to conquer this and to beat this. At the time of his death, he was on five different meds, all anti-psychotic, antidepressants that they had layered on top of one another, and then he'd been and I think they were Bilify, lomactyl, lexapro, clonopon and Symbalta, all at the same time, and over the course of those eight and a half years he'd been on Prozac, afexer, xanax, zoloft, ritalin, respartal I mean, whatever he wanted he was able to get.
Speaker 2:The other thing about this particular psychiatrist was that he was paying private pay at $270 an hour and he would go in one or two times a week sometimes. So as his illness escalated, I was questioning the care that he was receiving and what I can say is, as his mental illness worsened, the abuse started to creep into our home and it just it got to the point it was almost unbearable. And so, the November before the shooting. He was suicidal and I had called his brother and his brother had called law enforcement. Law enforcement did a well check. They called his therapist. The therapist refused to come to the house to check on him. Nothing was done and when I came home from this weekend away in November he was physical with me. So it had never been physical until that point.
Speaker 2:But I do attribute that to his mental illness getting more significant. And what I've also come to find is that caregivers of those with mental illness are often very abused. A lot of times it's verbal and mental and emotional, and there's really seems to be a lack of resources for the caregivers, because they're the ones that get the brunt of it and yet when it comes to having a voice for their loved one, they're the ones that are shut out, primarily because the walls of HIPAA are so high, especially with mental illness.
Speaker 1:Had you ever had the opportunity to speak with his psychiatrist yourself?
Speaker 2:I did for the first couple of years, and then Gabe was. He was suicidal and I had reached out to them for help and they had called 911 to do a well check and somewhere along the way I became the bad guy and at that point they cut me out of communication.
Speaker 2:The bad guy, according to who? Well, the therapist called 911 and initially denied that that ever happened. She said I was the one that called 911 for a well check and later that somehow got corrected, I think. But he was taken to the hospital and he was involuntarily hospitalized for several days and I remember calling the therapist about insurance and they refused to speak to me. And again I have my own theories about private pay and all of the meds he was on and the free samples he was given that I don't think he received the best care. And somewhere along the way, when a mentally ill person goes to their therapist and they say my wife is doing this, my mother is doing this, everybody's up against me, their sense of reality may be somewhat distorted and if the caregiver doesn't have a voice, how is that person getting the best possible treatment?
Speaker 2:So, this had been taking place for a number of years, to where the level of mental and emotional abuse had just almost become unbearable.
Speaker 1:So, thinking about all of this context the mental illness, escalating abuse and the ownership of firearms was law enforcement or any other authorities aware that a person in your household with a mental illness being treated by a psychiatrist? On antipsychotics owned as many firearms as he did, because there was more than the 45.
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely. He had around 75, 80 guns in the home and why did he have all those guns? So I think I mentioned earlier in college we you know we would go to target.
Speaker 1:Oh, right to target shooting.
Speaker 2:And he started wanting to collect guns and he was. There was no reason for that to be a red flag.
Speaker 2:It was like, oh, okay, it's kind of you know an interesting hobby, and then when I think he started to have these depression and anxiety issues, you know, I still really didn't think there was any concern, because so many people suffer from depression and anxiety. But then there were the hospitalizations, then there were the suicide attempts and, for context, we lived in Illinois, which has some of the most restrictive gun laws in the country. I'm going to go back to that. The November before the shooting where he got physical with me, it was at that point I filed an emergency protect. I had an emergency protective order entered and I went to the county sheriff and and this was also in the protective order mention of the gun collection and that we needed them moved.
Speaker 2:He was arrested and put in jail for four or five days. I was told by the judge just call the county sheriff. They remove guns from the homes all the time, especially when there's domestic violence. Not a big deal, kind of their protocol. They'll take care of it. So I did what I was told. I called the county sheriff and one of the officers came out to the house and he was told by his superior that he didn't care if the collection was legal or illegal, as long as my husband's name was on the title to the home. They weren't going to remove anything, so I was. I was absolutely shocked, because in Illinois, when you've been hospitalized, you no longer have the right to bear arms or have ammunition and we had this massive collection and I needed help.
Speaker 2:I had four children between the ages of six and 16. My husband was in jail for a very finite period of time. I didn't know how to handle these. I didn't know what to do with them. I needed one we later found out was jammed and I didn't know what to do with you know, a firearm like that to maintain safety. So I continued reaching out for help.
Speaker 2:I later reached out to the Illinois State Police. It was a family friend. He was a lead investigative officer with state. I didn't personally know him, but he knew my family and so I was referred to him and I called him and I said I need help. So he said let me tell me what you've got.
Speaker 2:And I had inventoryed 27 handguns with the serial numbers that were in a locked case. But he wanted and I took photos of them and I did a spreadsheet and he ran background check on my husband and confirmed that he was labeled a mental prohibitor with the state of Illinois. He also was able to ascertain that one of the guns that I had inventoryed was listed as stolen. Now my husband didn't steal it, but he bought a stolen gun and nobody cared. He tried to get me help. He went to his supervisor and he said you're in a different jurisdiction. This is nothing more than a messy divorce and I suspect you just mind your business and don't get in the middle of it. This you know, this Illinois State Police officer did everything and we continued to communicate. He goes my hands are tied staff, but I'm going to refer you to this person. But nobody did anything.
Speaker 2:And then, three months later, my husband's dead and I am fighting for my life.
Speaker 1:Was there ever any circling back to law enforcement on those points and their lack of action on getting the guns out of your?
Speaker 2:house. They came to the house and this is very foggy, but they followed up on the stolen gun after I got out of the hospital. That was one of the things that I know and you know, and they did a full investigation, I think. Again, during my hospital stay I was on 35 pills a day, and so a lot of this is.
Speaker 1:I remember everything, very, very, very understandable.
Speaker 2:But then there's reports and I have all of those. I haven't, you know, reviewed them for some time, but they did do an investigation. They came and retrieved the stolen handgun. My husband was friends with several police officers, whether they were with the county, whether they were with the state. We lived on an acreage of about 15 acres and you know people. Several of law enforcement would come hunt out on our property. We had rental properties and they knew him, they knew us, but they were more friends with him because of our business dealings over the years. Whether we needed an eviction or you know, we had for whatever reason.
Speaker 2:Professionally, he had a relationship with them. I don't know if they simply didn't believe me. I find that almost incredulous. I don't know if they just didn't want to deal. I mean, Champaign Illinois is also a university town. I don't know if removing 75 to 80 guns from a home is too much work and it's easier just to get underage drinking on campus. You know, to be consumed with that, I don't know. I mean, I have all kinds of ideas in my head of why I didn't get the help that I should have received, but nevertheless it didn't happen.
Speaker 2:During the three months between the November when my husband was physical with me and the time of the shooting, there was a protective order in place. We had our home in rural Urbana, illinois and we also owned several apartments in a condo in Champaign Illinois, and so he was living for the most part in the condo when I was in the home with the children and he blew through the protective order and I would, you know, file a complaint and nothing was really ever done. I mean, now they would. I was always told they had to catch him in the act and he was always long gone by the time law enforcement arrived. He would blow up my phone with text messages, phone calls, and I remember making reports about that contact, which was prohibited.
Speaker 2:What I can tell you is that by the time for those three months, I was exhausted. Nothing was being done, nobody could catch him, his behavior was not changing, and I think about so many women in similar situations. It's exasperating. You're worn out, you're trying to get through every day, you're trying to maintain some sort of stability for your children. You have an estranged significant other that is harassing you and you in the support, the it's not there, and the frustration and the defeated in it, the sense of being defeated, is just overwhelming. And mine went on, for you know, at the end, when it was at its height, that was three months. I have so much empathy for women that go through this for extended periods of time.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. During the course of those three months, how was he with the children?
Speaker 2:So he had limited contact with them. And what made our situation that much more complicated is we had this business, so we were allowed to see each other in the office and have contact if it was business related, but he was so erratic and unstable that everything else was pretty much off limits. He would reach out to the kids behind my back, he would try to make contact with them and some of the times I know they I'm sure they shared some of that with me, but I'm sure they didn't share all of it it was their father. He would question why am I doing this? To break up the family?
Speaker 2:I mean, he would lay a lot of guilt on me through the children and I think they were confused. I think they knew that he wasn't in a good place mentally. I think he scared them. I think he, his behavior, his illness had escalated to such a state that he was no longer able to contain his erratic behavior. I mean he was unstable and they, they saw it and I don't know how their brains process that as children, but I know they were aware.
Speaker 1:So there's a whole other aspect of this we haven't even touched on yet, but it really is significant to the story. It's the financial abuse. Yes, yes, the two of you owned a business, a very successful real estate business, but there were things that you, as a part business owner, were not aware of, that were going on, that your husband was doing. Yes, yes, what happened?
Speaker 2:So after he died, there were lots of surprises. We had started, we were married in 1988 and we bought our first apartment building in 1989. So our entire business was built while we were married. Over the course of our marriage, there had been growth, there had been refinancing and we had set up LLCs, companies to own various assets. My name was taken off of all of them.
Speaker 1:Without your knowledge.
Speaker 2:There was always a reason for that. It was logical, it made sense. But what didn't make sense were the fact it got to a point where I was on an allowance and it was a fairly restrictive allowance for children in four, travel, sports and doing all the things that we were doing. I talk about the November prior to the shooting. What got him so worked up at that time was the fact that I went away for the weekend for my birthday and my oldest son's birthday. It was a college visit in South Carolina and I took $500 for the weekend.
Speaker 2:This was a man that had multiple vehicles in his name, that smoked $20 cigars, chain smoke them, that spent money freely and I took $500. I had no concept of financial abuse when all of this was taking place. I've now become very knowledgeable in this arena, but I was on an allowance. My name was taken off all of the assets. One of the surprises that occurred after his death was I had no idea that we were broke. He at one point had a $5 million stock account and he had day traded that down to nothing. It wasn't until after he passed away that I had access to those statements. Now I'm a CPA. People will say to me you know better. How did you let this happen to you? As my kids say, are you stupid or are you dumb?
Speaker 4:What happened?
Speaker 2:We used to get the statements coming in the mail and I would see them and you know there was at that point, there was nothing amiss. At some point he went to online statements and an online account and the paper statements never came. My name was not on this account, but I falsely had a sense of security that if I saw everything, then it really didn't matter. Right, because I could see everything. When he went to online statements and my name wasn't on the account, I no longer had access. I couldn't see what he was doing, and so it wasn't until he died that I actually saw the history of the crazy and the gambling he was doing with our safety net. I didn't control the assets. I was on an allowance. One of the things people would say to me is well, why didn't you leave? Why didn't you just pack your kids up and put them in? The car.
Speaker 2:The car that I drove was titled to our business and there was tax benefits and reasonings as to why we did this right, and that's not an uncommon practice. When things got so bad and I contemplated putting the kids in the car, what crossed my mind was if he files a stolen vehicle report and I get pulled over and they seem, what are they going to do? They're going to take me right back to him and it's going to be far worse for the children. So financial abuse is one of those very nuanced subtleties that happen in so many relationships where domestic abuse is prevalent, and what I have come to learn is that he didn't routinely hit me.
Speaker 2:He wasn't physical with me for those eight and a half years that things progressively got worse. It was the subtle, softer abuses, like the mental abuse, the financial abuse, the emotional abuse, that manifested first, and those are the precursors, a lot of times, to the physical piece. Because what is domestic abuse? It is a means of controlling your significant other. That's really the pure definition of it. Not all methods of control come with physical violence.
Speaker 2:For me, it was controlling the financial piece so that I didn't have the resources to leave. I didn't have the resources to do anything differently, and we had a great house, I drove a great car, my kids were very involved in things, they went to a private school, and so there was always the threat that if I upset the apple cart, it was not about me, it was disrupting my children's sense of security and their lifestyle. People have said to me well, it was just about the money for you. No, it was about keeping a sense of stability. It was also about wanting my husband to get the help that he needed so that our family could stay together.
Speaker 2:I wanted so badly to believe that this period of time was just a hiccup in what I had hoped to be a long-term, successful marriage. And how faulty was my belief system at that time, how faulty was my thinking. But what I've also come to learn and to appreciate is so many other women fall into the same thought process. And when things get too, somebody told me during when things were really volatile at the end and it was actually my brother, who's a physician, said this to me do you have a sixth sense that your life is in danger?
Speaker 2:It says if you have that, he goes. My brother was a physician in the Navy and he said part of the military training is that if you have the sixth sense that your life is in danger, you need to pay attention to it, because most times that is the powers to be telling you to wake up and pay attention. And I remember him having that conversation with me and I remember putting a lot of thought into that and it was such a powerful message for me. And I remember when I thought things were getting to a point of no return and a little crazy, like the crazy was becoming a little too unmanageable, and I remember talking myself out of that on some level like, oh, this is just your voices in your head. You've got this, you can. You just got to stick it out. Get him the helping needs, be there for the kids. Women are fixers and I wanted to fix everything. It almost cost me my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we want to believe that things are okay and we'll talk ourselves into anything at times just to believe that things are okay. Were you able to answer the question that your brother posed to you about feeling like your life was in danger?
Speaker 2:I don't think I had the ability to be honest with myself. I think I was in fear. I remember a very distinct moment where I had that gut feeling that I might be in danger, but it's so hard to believe. It's so hard to believe that I've got this feeling because of the man that I've been married to for 22 years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's impossible.
Speaker 2:I've got this feeling because, this is the man I had four children with. So, yes, I do remember the moment that I had that, that gut instinct. But again I talked to myself out of it and I tried to rationalize and I think, if there's anything that comes out of this podcast today, if there's any women that are listening to this and are thinking this is so, this resonates with what I'm experiencing. You have that gut instinct. Pay attention to it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's great advice.
Speaker 2:You don't want to wait to see if you're right or wrong, right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I've heard several other professionals on the show tell us the same thing. That go with your gut, you'll know. The universe has a way of letting you know where things stand and where they're headed.
Speaker 2:Another element of financial abuse. Again, it's a very nuanced area, but every time my career was going somewhere, every time I felt like I was making strides, my husband did something to sabotage it. He would either have a mental crisis or there was a crisis with the business or something with the children that he was supposed to take care of, and I didn't understand that that was part of financial abuse when I was living in it. So that's again when one partner tries to thwart the career ambitions of their significant other, that could be a sign of financial abuse as well. Again, it's all about control, so it's the one with the power trying to marginalize and minimize the success of their significant other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's a very astute observation and the definition of domestic violence is exactly what you're talking about it's a systematic diminishment of a woman in her own home, which is exactly what that is.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and we also tend to think again. It's always those people over there, and I believe it is the professional, educated woman that is the least likely to reach out for help, because we know better.
Speaker 2:We shouldn't be allowing this to happen to ourselves. We went to school, we were taught the right things I mean, look, I'm a CPA, for God's sakes and this is and he financially destroyed everything that we built together. So, again, my mission is to reach out to these women who are embarrassed and ashamed that something like this could happen to them, because it happens to all.
Speaker 1:Now just to wrap up the part of our conversation about financial abuse. It's actually worse than gambling away $5 million. The debt was phenomenal once you finally found out about it.
Speaker 2:So we had business debt in excess of $25 million. Now, in hindsight, the fact that my name wasn't on any of those assets worked to my benefit but, I didn't know that at the time.
Speaker 2:obviously, he had refinanced, he had overleveraged. One of our debt service payments was interest only and our payments went up by $25,000 a month several months after he died. And this was all news to me. I wasn't privy. I thought I was aware. I did the accounting, I did the tax returns. I worked with a lot of our local lenders. I didn't work as closely with some of the larger lenders. My role, however, in looking back was very transactional. He kept the big picture, he kept the strategy, the financial decisions that he made, hidden from me.
Speaker 2:And again people will say, well, how did this happen? Why did you let this happen? Let's take a step back. Okay, again, we were married for 22 years. When you're in a long-term marriage, you develop a sense of trust with your partner and if your partner tells you things are a certain way and those truths hold to be real, you have no reason to not believe your partner. You continue to trust them. When that shifted, I don't really know. Again, relationships sometimes can be very compartmentalized, because that's how you function, that's how busy people function. I'm responsible for A, he's responsible for B. So when he no longer was transparent with me I don't know when that happened. When there were warning signs, I tried to ask him reach out to people, reach out to our bankers, and I did the best I could.
Speaker 2:But if somebody really wants to be secretive, somebody really wants to deceive you, they will deceive you, and that is no fault on you. One of the things that I have found that has been so hard for me and it totally enrages me is when I have conversations with people and judgment starts to set in. I'm fine being transparent and talking to people when there's genuine interest about why things happen, what can we do different, how can we help other women, but when judgment starts to set in, it angers me, because what I have found is it's what statistically, one in four women suffer from some sort of intimate partner violence. We all know four women.
Speaker 2:If we're honest with ourselves, this is really prevalent Now. Just because somebody's not aware of how prevalent it is doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. So we would be doing ourselves such a service if we tried to get to the bottom of this, if we leaned into being transparent and authentic about our own personal stories and not fall into the trap of thinking things like this only happen to those people over there and not in my backyard.
Speaker 1:For sure.
Speaker 1:I mean, there's a lot of bias in reactions to stories from survivors. There's a lot of bias in reporting on these stories in law enforcement, and so personal opinions have no place here. This is your experience, as you recall it and as it happened to you. Another aspect of this experience and your relationship with your husband and with others is really found within the fact that it was a biracial relationship, and you understand the complexities of raising a family with multicultural values, as well as the need for diversity, equity and inclusion. So let's talk about the biracial aspect of your relationship, how that was perceived, and also how you are now approaching diversity, equity and inclusion.
Speaker 2:You know. So we lived in a college town where there was a lot of diversity there were so many, I think. When you were immersed in academia you see people from all cultures, all ethnicities, very countries come together, so that was sort of our norm. I mean, he was very dark-complexed, he was a Nigerian immigrant and I'm very fair blonde hair, blue eyes. So we stood out, but people were just. You know, we were in the early days I always felt like people thought we were this uniquely cool couple that was going to rule the world. We started this business together, we were two partners and we were just. We were just going to do it all and you know, and so I think I was oblivious on.
Speaker 2:I was oblivious in a lot of respects to the issues with a biracial relationship because of the context of the community where we lived. When we moved to Dallas, I was a single mom with biracial children living in, you know, the North Dallas area suburbs and I remember my daughter. She didn't tell me this for a long time, but she would get on the school bus and people would say, well, I'm not allowed to sit next to you because you don't have a dad. And you know you're like. Are you like all the other black kids I know that have whose dad's in jail or whose dad's a drug dealer? And here's this poor little kid right Moving here after all this trauma, getting on the school bus.
Speaker 1:That's horrible, it was awful.
Speaker 2:I was heartbroken when she relayed the story to me about the things kids used to say to her in elementary school. She moved here in third grade so it was probably you know elementary and middle school that she just. I think our eyes were open to the harsh realities that not everybody is as welcoming and open and kind you know as we wanted to believe.
Speaker 2:So I think moving to Texas was a rude awakening for me. I think there were other people that think that well, she married. You know, she married a Nigerian culture. They're very misogynistic culture. There's a lot of biases that people would project on me Like I should have known better, I should have all that's nonsense right. I mean, this kind of behavior happens more than we want to acknowledge that it does and our relationship all I can speak to was the truth that I know about the relationship that I was in early on and how that changed and how my whole world fell apart because abuse crept in our home and our story, our marital story, ended with attempted murder, suicide.
Speaker 2:What I can tell you when you're talking about domestic violence and DEI is that domestic violence knows no boundaries. It happens in white families, black families, asian families, biracial families, multicultural families. It knows no boundaries and I actually had a conversation with a close friend recently that was talking about a friend of hers who is going through separation because of domestic violence and they live in the south. This couple lives in the south and she said I wonder if there's a study where it's more prevalent in the south. And I said. I don't know and I don't care. To me that's noise, because maybe it's one in three in Texas and one in two in Mississippi and one in five in California. I don't care, it's still too often. It's still too prevalent.
Speaker 2:And, in my opinion, if we want to look at the causes of domestic abuse, what I have come to realize is it's weak. Men are attracted to weak women. Now, they may have the persona of being a very strong person on the outside, but there's something in their core that they are weak and their partner ends up being someone that they can dominate and control, and that, by definition, is a sign of weakness. And one of the reasons that I am so transparent about my story is that I wish other women would be equally transparent. What I have found is that most women are reluctant to share their story of domestic abuse because they live with this shroud of self-blame of I could have, should have done something different. They're very defeated and they somehow think that it's all their fault. They picked the wrong person. If they would have done something different, something different would have happened. That's ridiculous right.
Speaker 2:A crime was committed against you. If somebody robbed our house, if somebody robbed your house, you're going to prosecute, you're going to go to law enforcement and you're going to say I was robbed, a crime was committed against me. If you were assaulted, why do we think this is any different? There is nothing that justifies a person hitting another person, let alone shooting another person, let alone shooting your spouse. There is nothing I did, could have done to justify this kind of behavior, and I would love my in a perfect world. I wish women survivors would recognize this truth, that there is nothing they did to cause this type of pain to be inflicted upon them, and I believe that if women can be more brave to share their own stories, to say I'm a survivor too, and I have a great life, I have turned everything around and I'm empowered because of the struggles that I went through in the past, then this would happen less often, because it wouldn't be the secret crime that permeates so many homes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you're kind of speaking to how survivors are isolated. So they're isolated when they're being abused and then they're isolated because they live in fear of talking about what happened to them and then not being believed. Correct? You've mentioned that you understand what it feels to be marginalized and that you now function as an advocate for those who are undervalued or underappreciated. Did you feel marginalized through your experience of domestic violence or even after his death, by the way that law enforcement kind of treated the situation?
Speaker 2:I mean I think it was the continuum of marginalization and I think you know survivors. I think I still deal with it on some level today, obviously during the marriage, by the time the shooting occurred, I was a very defeated woman. I mean I think people that knew me then and know me now, I'm very different, right. I mean I was erratic, life was chaotic, I was trying to keep everything together. I was defeated as the best word I know. I mean.
Speaker 2:I was told how worthless I was. I could never do enough. So, yeah, I was very marginalized. And then I think after the shooting people are like in our community a lot of people had no idea. And then why did she stay Again the judgment piece? Why did she stay? Why did this happen? What's wrong with her?
Speaker 2:I mean, I had a good friend that was an attorney in our community say to me at one point people knew and saw how crazy my husband was behaving, how all of the there were people that were witnesses to a lot of the nonsense and he said a lot of people judged you as either you were complacent or just stupid.
Speaker 2:He goes now I know you, you were neither. You were doing the best thing, the best you knew how to keep your family in check, to keep the business going. You know I was responsible for payroll. I mean people's lives were that's. You know their livelihood was at stake. He says you were doing the best. You knew how to keep everything together until you couldn't. And so that again that marginalization happens after the implosion occurs and then I think it continues. But what I would challenge women survivors if they could shift their thinking to saying I survived with fierce determination, tenacity and afforditude, and I'm gonna use those skills to transform my life today and be the best I can be, if nothing more. I mean, my biggest motivator was to be an example to my children.
Speaker 2:There were days I didn't wanna get out of bed. There were days that were there was. There were periods of time I literally don't remember. I was like a machine just going through the process of getting out of bed, getting them to school, coming back home, you know, after drop off, taking a nap, waking up to make sure they had, you know, got home from school, went to their activities, had dinner, rinse and repeat the next day. But I don't remember what took place during that period of time, but I knew I had to do it for the kids.
Speaker 2:That was my motivator to turn my life around to be a provider. And I look back and it was the skill sets that I learned in an abusive relationship that were transferable skills to this stage in my life. And if women can think through this a little bit, you know, if they can shift their thinking to where, yeah, I was a victim, but now I'm a survivor and I'm going to make the best out of this second chance, this new opportunity that I've been given. Cause, if you make it to the other side, you're not a weak person.
Speaker 1:No, for sure.
Speaker 2:And you're. There's nothing weak about Stephanie Bond.
Speaker 1:You have incredible insight into domestic violence and how it impacted your life and how it changed it, and how you have been thriving on the other side of it. Tell us about the work that you do with survivors.
Speaker 2:You know I think well, thank you first of all for that I mean. When I say I am truly blessed, I mean that to my core and I don't want to waste any minute of any day, because everything could change tomorrow, right?
Speaker 2:So, it's become a mission of mine to make my life as impactful as possible in this lane. So I speak to survivors. I'm very, you know, a lot of times that's one-on-one, a lot of times it's. You know, I have the TikTok, where I started sharing parts of my story, and it was interesting. I was somebody.
Speaker 2:A friend of mine said Steph, you should put your story on TikTok and I thought I don't dance, I'm not funny, nobody's gonna pay attention to this. Right, I'm not young. And it kind of blew up and I mean, like within a matter of months I had like almost 60,000 followers and I'm not as dedicated now as I should be, but I was blown away by the number of people that said this happened to me too. And if I can rebuild my life, you can too. I mean, look it's you. Just get up. You try to make every day a little better than the previous day. You know, you, it's. The work that I do is really just to give other women hope that they can have a fabulous life. I speak at conferences. I was recently honored at the Mary Kay leadership conference because their foundation gives a great deal of money to domestic violence shelters around the country. I wanna say it's like $96 million.
Speaker 1:It's a big-. One of those charities is Genesis Women's Shelter in Support.
Speaker 2:Yes, so they featured my story at leadership and walking around. You know, after the opening seminar. Again, I'm blown away by the number of women that come up to me and say this happened to me too. So if there's a purpose in my story, it's for other women to know they're not alone and they don't have to live in shame and they can have a fabulous life and they can be free of all of the negativity, the shroud of negativity that's just covered them Lean into your story. It's who makes you who you are. It's empowering to know that you survive the unthinkable.
Speaker 1:So, stephanie, is there anything else we haven't covered that you want people to know about? Your story One?
Speaker 2:of the things that's probably one of my biggest vulnerabilities is the fact that, yes, we were in a biracial marriage, we had a biracial family, and there are people that you know still have these prejudices that think that, well, domestic violence happens, it's more prevalent in black communities, it's more prevalent in Hispanic communities, and if she married a black man, she should have known what was coming to her. I mean, I've had people actually say things like that to me.
Speaker 2:And one of the vulnerabilities that I have is that I don't want that to be a distraction from the real message and the real story of domestic abuse. It really concerns me. I'm not really sure how to navigate that so that it's not a distraction, because, as we know, this type of violence happens in all sectors of society and all communities.
Speaker 1:So domestic violence does not discriminate. No, just by you vocalizing that you do not want race to be a distraction from the discussion of domestic violence, I see that as a strength and not a vulnerability, because you are not making this issue or blaming the issue of domestic violence on any one factor, which is something that we talk about all the time at Genesis and on this podcast. It doesn't discriminate and domestic violence is not a racial conversation.
Speaker 1:It is steeped in power and control, absolutely absolutely so if we can do anything to help you feel better, or anyone else who's thinking like well, this is because I am this way, whether it's race or an economic background, any other demographic. No, we can dispel that myth here today. That's not what this is about. This is about an abusive personality who wants power and control over someone that they see a vulnerability in or a weakness, as you put it earlier, and they are determined to the end the bitter end in some cases to control that person.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely Well. Thank you for that.
Speaker 1:Stephanie, you are an inspiration and I'm so grateful to you just for being you. I'm grateful that you are connected to Genesis Women's Shelter and Support. You are also the board chair of our Alliance Auxiliary, in addition to everything else that you do, and I mean everything. We've only scratched the surface on the work that you do. Let everyone know where they can learn more about your story and getting in touch with you.
Speaker 2:Sure, my website is Stephaniejbondcom and I offer one-on-one sessions, whether it's recovering from financial abuse, rebuilding your life, share a lot of the steps that I took to get my life together and become financially secure. You can also find me on TikTok at Stephaniejbond as well. So, yeah, I would love to connect with anybody out there that needs a little support, encouragement and is looking to come out on the other side a bigger, better version of themselves today.
Speaker 1:That sounds amazing. If you're experiencing domestic violence, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE, 800-799-7233, or text the word START to 88788. In the Dallas, fort Worth area, you can call Genesis Women's Shelter and support at 214946-HELP 214946-4357. And if you or someone you love is experiencing mental illness with suicidal thoughts, 988 is the suicide crisis line. Thanks for listening. Attention, spanish-speaking listeners. Listen to the end of this podcast for information on how to reach a Spanish-speaking representative of Genesis. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you can get help or give help at genesisshelterorg or by calling or texting our 24-7 Crisis Hotline team at 214946-HELP 214946-4357. The language services at Genesis include text phone call, clinical counseling, legal services, advocacy and more. Call or text us for more information. Donations to support women and children escaping domestic violence are always needed. Learn more at genesisshelterorg slash donate. Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 4:I'm reminding you always that ending domestic violence begins when we believe her Genesis El Podjas announces servicios en las contrserías Gen chemin anniversary, que nos envлучó en las contrserías leban que los menMake y los que venங Blow llamadas consejería, servicios legales, asesoría y más. Llámenos o mándenos un text para más información. Siempre se necesitan donaciones para apoyar a las mujeres o a los niños escapando de la violencia doméstica. Aprende más a nuestra página de internet en genesisshelterorg. Barra inclinada donate. Gracias por unirse con nosotros. Recuerden que el terminar la violencia doméstica empieza cuando creemos a la víctima.