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Courage in the Shadow of Abuse: Courtney Gilmartin's Fight for Family Court Reform and Survivor Support

• Genesis Women's Shelter

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When Courtney Gilmartin walks into a room, her strength and resilience are palpable. Yet her journey to becoming the founder of New Jersey Protective Moms is one woven with the dark threads of domestic violence and the battle scars of a high-conflict divorce. Courtney's story, shared in this episode, is full of raw emotion and legal complexities, yet shines a light on the unsettling truth of emotional abuse and the desperate need for a family court system that understands trauma and puts child safety at the forefront.

Courtney's experience with intimate partner violence is a harrowing reminder of how stalking, manipulation, and coercive control can maintain an abuser's grip without leaving a visible mark. What's more, even after the divorce, the specter of her ex-husband loomed large, twisting the family court system to his advantage and dragging their children into the fray. Courtney's story doesn't just expose the emotional and financial desolation faced by survivors; it's a call to action for recognizing the signs of abuse and the imperative of legal reform to protect victims from being re-traumatized by the very system that should defend them.

Beyond sharing her personal narrative, Courtney's advocacy work offers a beacon of hope for legislative change. The recent triumph of having coercive control recognized in New Jersey law is just the beginning. Her leadership in the Divorce Coalition's legislative team and her hand in pushing Caden's Law forward demonstrate a path to uniform protection for abuse survivors. Through the empowering resources of New Jersey Protective Moms and her own relentless spirit of support, Courtney Gilmartin isn't just a survivor—she's a warrior for change, providing an arsenal of knowledge and support for those navigating the aftermath of domestic violence.

Speaker 1:

When it comes to domestic violence, survivors are the experts of their own experience and often inspire others to navigate similar circumstances and take action. Today we talk with survivor and founder of the Grassroots Initiative New Jersey Protective Moms, courtney Gilmartin. I'm Maria McMullin and this is Genesis, the podcast. Courtney Gilmartin is a protective mom of two who resides in Monmouth County, new Jersey, and is the co-founder of New Jersey Protective Moms, a grassroots nonprofit dedicated to improving the family law system in New Jersey through advocacy, education and awareness. She has extensive experience with post-settlement custody litigation and family court strategy for protective parents. Recently, she has become increasingly active in her efforts relating to the legislative reform, including the groundbreaking coercive control legislation that was passed and signed into New Jersey law in January 2024. It is Courtney's hope that Family Court will one day be a trauma-informed system that prioritizes child safety above parental contact when domestic abuse is a factor. This episode may include details of domestic violence and intimate partner abuse that some may find troubling or triggering. Courtney, welcome to the podcast, thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 1:

I'm glad you're here and I've enjoyed getting to know you over the past few weeks, because you and I met briefly and talked about your personal experience with domestic abuse and other things. I would like to invite you to share your story with us, with our listeners today, so we can all learn from you and really understand what happened and how you took action against your abusive partner.

Speaker 2:

So my story started when I was about 19 and I met my now ex husband and we were together about four years before we got married. We quickly had two children pretty close together, two years apart, and it was at that point in time when I really started to notice the controlling behaviors and the instances of really contentious fighting within the home, and I noticed that my daughter, who was really young at the time she was two, two and a half was really starting to pick up on that. So I was starting to really impact not only the environment in the home, but then also my relationships outside of the home, my relationships with my family and my friends and me. Professionally, I owned a business and there was obviously some spillover in that. So that's when I started to explore the idea of a divorce and a separation. But I always give this advice to all of my friends that are thinking about it you need to really do your due diligence and get your affairs in order, if you will. So I had some things I had to do on my end to really prepare for the divorce in the best way that I knew possible. But looking back, I had no idea what I was really going to be going up against, which ultimately was my ex-husband and his behavior. So I did what I thought really going to be going up against, which ultimately was my ex-husband and his behavior. So I did what I thought I needed to do. I got an attorney, I filed for divorce. Of course, this is really the abridged version but shortly thereafter I realized that this was not going to be a cookie cutter divorce. This was going to be what they call high conflict, which now I know isn't truly high conflict, which now I know isn't truly high conflict. I mean, it is, in a sense, where one person can really drive that conflict. But the protracted litigation that has followed me for now seven years is really stemming from his need to continue to exert his control over myself and our two children, really utilizing the children as his tools in doing that.

Speaker 2:

So I think for me, something that really stood out was when we filed the complaint for divorce and there's some time that has to go in for the processing, but obviously my ex-husband had known at the time that I was filing. He was incessantly calling the courthouse every day, just grilling the women that worked in the office. When's the complaint coming through? When am I going to get the women that worked in the office? When's the complaint coming through? When am I going to get the paperwork? I want the paperwork. You're not going to serve me. Tell my ex's attorney she's not going to serve me. So he was insistent that he was going to go down to the courthouse and get the paperwork himself and my attorney had been doing it.

Speaker 2:

My first attorney had been doing this for about 20 years at the time and he told me one day he's like I've never seen someone serve themselves. But sure enough he bullied and badgered his way into going down there and serving himself. So now, looking back, that should have been a giant glaring sign, like premonition for what was to come. But everyone falls into that trap of really making excuses and he's just angry. He doesn't want to get served at work and you know he's just upset because he didn't see this coming. But it really was a foreshadowing. That you know was the warning sign, if you will, for what was to come.

Speaker 1:

So so he? I just want to ask a quick question.

Speaker 2:

Sorry to interrupt.

Speaker 1:

So he served himself, meaning he went down and picked up the documents right.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and instead of being served or letting his lawyer, you know, coordinate the divorce complaint Interesting, yeah, he, yeah, he went down there and I remember my attorney called and he's like the courthouse just called that. You know he's down there, he's really angry, he wants the paperwork. He wants them to give it to him right here.

Speaker 2:

And no one had really ever had that happen, so they didn't really know how to handle it. But ultimately, you know he technically served himself. So yeah, and to many you know, that may seem insignificant, especially when you look at it in the scope of domestic violence or domestic abuse. Right, well, it's not a physical incident. He didn't come to my house and beat me up or try to really harm me and the kids when we left. But it's that complete need and desire for him to control all of the circumstances surrounding a scenario that really, I think, paints a powerful picture of how he has conducted himself throughout this litigation, unfortunately and that feeling is so stifling when you're in a situation like this, because there's really no break from someone who's acting in that way so that temperament that he set continued throughout.

Speaker 2:

So the divorce was very litigious. I found himself one day outside the marital home. He hadn't been living there, he was staying with relatives, but I found him there outside of the marital home. He hadn't been living there, he was staying with relatives, but I found him there outside of the marital home, going through my car, taking pictures of various people's phone numbers, because at the time I had a handwritten agenda, or calendar, if you will, with people's contacts in there. So he was taking pictures of my friends' contacts. He then proceeded to start calling everybody that I was friends with because he had their number and he was badgering them, tell her not to get divorced and sending my friends and family articles about kids who have divorced parents, how they're drug addicts and all these things. The crime rates are higher in families like that, so on and so forth, really trying to Starting his campaign of propaganda to really try to wear me down to kind of walk back the divorce complaint.

Speaker 2:

So it was at that time I filed my first restraining order and that kind of really was the catalyst, I would say, for just the intense and very heightened sense of contention, if you will, around the rest of the divorce proceedings. So we settled the first restraining order for civil restraints, mostly because my lawyer talked me into it and I did some research and I know a hearing for that's extremely costly. And again there was this institutional brainwashing from a lot of people that were involved in my life at the time. He's going to calm down, he's going to settle down. He's just mad Making those excuses for his behavior, not really looking at the patterns that he was already exhibiting, even though it was early on in the process. So we settled for civil restraints, of course didn't do much of anything to help the situation and the vitriol from him continued and every text or every exchange, every interaction was really an opportunity for him to cause some sort of chaos. So exchanges with the kids would be yelling and screaming or showing up late or withholding the kids and really putting the kids in the middle of the conflict, which we know is so damaging for kids developmentally.

Speaker 2:

So not too soon after the first set of civil restraints were entered, I filed for a second restraining order after he conducted himself in a way in which the kids were present, which I just couldn't let continue, through a remote control, the garage remote control and his watch at me in front of the kids, along with screaming, yelling, profanities. So I filed the second restraining order and that one went to trial. Unfortunately that one was turned over by the judge because again there was this sentiment of he's just angry, he's just acting out, he's lashing out, he's upset. He's such a loving, caring, doting father. Look at him, he's so victimized, you know. Yes, I remember one of his lawyer's arguments was he's just so upset. You know he has to go out and buy all new furniture for a house. He, you know he doesn't even have any of his belongings which he had his belongings but essentially always painting himself as the real victim here. So they gave us a stern warning on the record the judge at the time, because she had seen us now throughout the beginning phases of the divorce and the first restraining order and now the second. So she gave us a warning and everyone again kept telling me rest assured, give him a year, he'll get over it, so on and so forth.

Speaker 2:

So ultimately we ended up getting divorced with a pretty extensive MSA in terms of contact and behavior and conduct and so on and so forth, which obviously seven years later didn't really help much, but nonetheless it was in there and which was helpful in ways that we can touch on if time permits.

Speaker 2:

But also, I think one important thing for listeners to hear and I say this in a lot of podcasts or speaking engagements I do is that we put a clause in our divorce decree that explicitly said that we weren't happy with the custody arrangements but we were going to sign our divorce decree in an effort to stop the litigation for the divorce because financially it's just very expensive and now we had had a lot of motion practice and two restraining orders, so the costs were up there.

Speaker 2:

So we also reserved the right to have a custody evaluation done for the best interests of the children or best interests of all whatever you call it in the state you reside in. We had a clause in there and we named our expert that we wanted to use and we also said we could ask for it without a change in circumstance. So it kind of gave us a foundation that we could use if we needed to change things, if things continue to disintegrate. And I'm happy that we did, because it was helpful down the road when we finally had to go that path. But it allowed us to kind of end that litigation that was consuming a lot of our lives and try to hopefully, you know, let the dust settle and move on.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, I can see it. So you had mentioned patterns of behavior for him. Give us an example. What type of patterns was he exhibiting?

Speaker 2:

So a lot of the, I would say, probably the most overlooked aspect of my case, I think even to current days, there was a lot of monitoring and surveillance. So I think when we talk about stalking in the context of domestic violence, people think of someone sitting in front of their house with binoculars or in the car following them and then a violent incident happening, you know happening. That's like stalking and that's why people are always scared. But you can be scared without that person, especially in today's day and age with all the digital stuff, without that person ever really being in your vicinity for a majority of the time. Right so we had the two children together. So you know he knew where the children were most of the time because, right so, we had the two children together. So he knew where the children were most of the time because they were involved in activities. So then he knew where I was. He would show up or drive by. If he were to show up, he would park near my car or near me and just the posturing, the intimidation, the staring, the glaring, the yelling causing a scene, the outburst, the anger, the rage, that was a consistent pattern throughout and then he would kind of tamper down. But then something would happen and there would be an explosive episode again, and then also the pattern that was huge was at any exchange there was a problem. So we were constantly bending and changing things to try to absolve that conflict or that from happening in front of the kids. But every time we change things it was almost like he just learned a new way or thought of a new way, Because I just listened to Lundy on your podcast, like I said before we started, and he said this is a very they aren't dumb, they know what they're doing.

Speaker 2:

They're creating this ecosystem of control and fear. And so he knew what he was doing and he was very methodical and what he did. So if we said, okay, let's do curbside exchanges, well, he would just do something. You know, he would get out of his car but he would stand on the curb. So if my lawyer would go to his lawyer and say, you know this happened, well, he was, you know, at the curb, he didn't do anything wrong. And then, you know, if we changed it to exchanges in a public place, he would just, you know, cause a scene in a public place. If we did it at school, okay, he didn't really have access to me that day for the exchange, but then at any sporting event, he would park near me, glare and stare, come up to the car, yell at me. So there was this constant evolution of what he was doing and us continuously trying to change the circumstances to try to mitigate the behavior. But the behavior was a constant.

Speaker 1:

So did anyone else point out these patterns over time? Because listening to you share that information, I can see the pattern. I mean he's definitely pushing the envelope just enough to get away with it and still have control over you and make you feel intimidated.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I think that's the hardest thing and that's why I always say there was this institutional gaslighting and just the excuses, and Lundy touched on this too. There's so many people that are so quick to jump to the defense of these behaviors and make excuses, which really waters it down and is so damaging to the victims and the kids that are trapped in these scenarios, because there was always an excuse. Oh well, he was just upset about this or it was this or it was that and, to your point, he was always teetering the line. So I've always said it was almost like a handicap that he's a non-physical abuser. But if you go by Lundy's definition, he was physical in many ways, but I never walked away with broken bones or black eyes or a smash car, slit tire what have you? But walking that line allowed him to just get away with what he was doing so much longer. I mean, in our third restraining order hearing the judge really said like you are teetering the line here, which is still mind blowing because at that point in time he was incessantly text harassing me. I mean 37 texts in one hour and she's like that's really walking the line. And I'm like walking the line, what's 40? What's the benchmark here? Not to laugh, but unanswered text messages. And also look at the context. You're a B-I-T-C-H and you're a horrible person and I'm going to take custody from you.

Speaker 2:

And just the incessant, horrific communications was also a glaring pattern. I mean I could literally send him an email hey, today is Monday April 22nd and he would write back you're the biggest liar in the world. Everybody hates you. It is Tuesday April 23rd. So it was an extremely trying time and it was so incredibly frustrating. And I know there's such it's tough for victims because and again, lundy, so bless him for that podcast but he said a lot of these perpetrators' behaviors work to the benefit of them and the detriment of victims and that's so true. So I was incredibly frustrated because I could see the patterns and I was talking about the pattern and I was starting to really do research on domestic abuse and trying to talk to my lawyer anyone that would listen about it and there was just this constant diminishing his behavior and making excuses and the more frustrated I got, it almost made it easier for them to kind of start turning the blame to me.

Speaker 1:

You told me offline we talked about, you know, some other things that happened during your divorce and subsequently you told me about an experience that the children had with him. That really became kind of the last straw.

Speaker 2:

So after the divorce, obviously it was very contentious, but I had seen how expensive and just emotionally draining the litigation was. So I was trying to take a little bit of a pause in that active litigation and I was documenting things and so on and so forth. But there were incidents in between that were horrific. So COVID then hit. We got divorced in 2017. Those three years leading up to COVID were awful. So COVID then hit. We got divorced in 2017. Those three years leading up to COVID were awful, but my kids were also young.

Speaker 2:

And then COVID hit and he was seemingly quiet, I think because the world around him was out of control. So he wasn't as bad. But as the world started to open up, he really started to ramp up and there's a very clear picture looking back now, you can see the close correlation there. So I got my son an Apple Watch in the summer of 2021. And he did not like that at all. He wanted to get the children's devices because he wanted to have access to be able to put Life 360 or whatever monitoring device on there, and in being that, they were my accounts. He wasn't able to do that. So he came to my home and was so irate. I mean he busted open the front door, was screaming, yelling in front of the kids, and that's when those text messages ramped up to 30, 40, 50 a day and just awful disparaging language in those texts.

Speaker 2:

So I got my third restraining order and it was after that my daughter was in sixth grade and she was starting to come into her own and he was starting to exhibit a lot of the behaviors he had on me, on the kids, not letting her hang out with friends that were friends with me or whose parents I was friendly with, and he lives in a different town than the kids go to school in where I live and it was always very adversarial my town's better than that town and you should live here and withholding the kids from holidays and special days.

Speaker 2:

So my daughter started to record him and the behavior that he was doing when they were alone with him and those recordings were horrific because it was just intense, intense screaming and emotional abuse and disparaging me and putting them in these horrible situations where he would lecture them for hours on end and almost make them just yes him to death to stop, and then he would say, oh see, you just said you don't like your mom and then he would go with that and go with that and then send me awful emails. The kids say they don't like you. So it was at that point in time when my daughter really started to vocalize to me like I don't want to be with dad. This is what he's doing and I had known those behaviors were going on. But when you hear it on the audio it's so different and it's so horrific to hear. And so that's when I knew we were in a really bad situation. We were basically in crisis because she no longer wanted to go and I physically couldn't force a sixth grader to go into that environment.

Speaker 1:

So then, what was the I guess the response to that? So then, what was the I guess the response to that?

Speaker 2:

So you know, I tried my best to reach out to him, which I knew was probably not going to be successful. But for my own sake and for the kid's sake I really was hoping that if I reached out to him he would kind of see the light and maybe agree to go to co-parenting therapy or start the evaluation process. But that was met with complete and utter. You know just the continued hatred towards me and blame, shifting narrative that he had really dug its heels in at this point and he went with the whole. You know you're alienating the kids from me and for my children's safety I couldn't at that point. This is also something that victims face in a lot of these cases, because evidence is really hard to get if there's not blatant physical abuse right. So because a lot of times when he would lecture them he would take my children's devices away or hide them so that there was no chance that they were recording him or that they could call anyone right. So we had this evidence, but at that point in time I couldn't disclose that we had that because I was so fearful of what he would do to them and my daughter didn't want him to know. So I couldn't betray her trust in that way. That was something that I knew would be damaging to her. So I was in this really tough situation and I tried my best to reason with him and ask can we go to therapy, can we talk about some things? Obviously there's been issues and putting it lightly and that was just met with the alienation claims.

Speaker 2:

And in response to that third restraining order that I got, he went to the courthouse and filed an order to show cause, which is an emergent application or whatever language you want to use. So he filed. He had asked for me to be committed into a mental health treatment facility, said I was a danger to him and the children, that he needed a restraining order and that he wanted sole custody. And again, it was, you know, at the end of COVID it was 2021, but they weren't doing hearings in person emergent or regular, they were everything with Zoom. But he badgered and just beat those court officials down until they let him go in that courtroom and get in front of the judge. So I was at a deficit right there because A I was caught off guard, I had an order of protection against him and I was talking with my attorney and doing some research to see what route I was going to go.

Speaker 2:

But he showed up at the courthouse, bullied his way into the courtroom and he was in front of that judge and, like Lundy and everybody else will say, they're very convincing. He's so grounded in his emotions and he was crying and going on his whole tangent about how he's this amazing father and I'm just withholding the kids and it's been five years of this and he can't take it anymore and I, being on Zoom, it's very different. You can't really get a feel for that person. It was a new judge, so she obviously dismissed the order to show cause. But she told him you need to file a regular motion and sure enough he did.

Speaker 2:

And at this time my daughter was refusing to go with him. So he was asking for makeup compensatory parenting time and the judge denied it at first but ordered us to a litany of services, one being co-parenting therapy, which was horrific because it's never clinically indicated there's domestic abuse going on. But the problem with a lot of cases where there's not physical violence or there's no final restraining order or order of protection, they're not viewed in the eyes of the court as a domestic abuse victim and a domestic abuse case. So I still, despite the lengthy history, wasn't, in the eyes of the judge, a domestic abuse victim. So she ordered us to co-parenting therapy, which was just again horrific because it turned into hours of him just sitting there eviscerating me in front of the therapist.

Speaker 1:

And what was the response of the therapist to his behavior?

Speaker 2:

So my ex is very intense and he's very tall and menacing and scary and intimidating. So, even though people have experience and they're trained, I've noticed in a lot of settings because we've had two parenting coordinators and now the co-parenting therapists and a litany of other people involved but they tend to freeze up in a lot of instances and most of them have been female. So I also think he's much more. He's much more aggressive towards them because he sees that he can, you know, dominate them easier. So they freeze and a lot of them will again shift the blame to me.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I remember the co-parenting therapist brought me in for a single session and she told me literally she said I think that he's a little aggressive in his communication, but I think that your facial expressions because you're very animated really incite him and make him do what he does. You're very animated, really incite him and make him do what he does. And I remember saying to her I haven't been in a room with my ex-husband since 2017. So I maybe see him across the field at sporting events, but a lot of times I sit in my car because I don't even want to be near him. But an email when I say our son's baseball equipment's on my front porch and I get in response a 10-page paragraph about how horrible I am. That's not my face inciting his behavior, and I certainly shouldn't be to blame, but she didn't want to hear it.

Speaker 2:

It's almost easier to continue to blame, shift than hold accountable, because I think research is clear that these types of personalities truly can't change. You're going to be hard pressed to get them to change. So again I found myself which was so frustrating and so re-victimizing and just awful always shrinking myself or changing myself or bending myself to try to get him to change, even when other people were seeing it, which is so damaging to victims. Because that's what we find ourselves doing in these relationships, right, like you're always bending, you're shrinking, you're minimizing your voice and what you want. I mean I've heard stories where women like don't even know what they like to eat anymore because they've spent so long catering to their abuser. So to be put in that scenario when you're trying to protect your kids is so re-traumatizing.

Speaker 1:

But eventually you did win full custody, is that right?

Speaker 2:

Yes. So he filed the first motion for compensatory makeup time. It got denied. We did the services like I said, and then my daughter still wasn't going and he brought me back to court and the judge was not happy, and, again, rightfully so. You know it was a court order and I tell every protective parent that's listening follow the court orders. It's so hard when you know your child is in danger, whether it's physically or emotionally. But the judge got upset and she granted his motion and in turn, what that did was gave him every weekend, but our weekends were Thursday to Tuesday morning, so I was only able to see the kids Tuesday and Wednesday for a period of six months. And then, on top of that, the judge said if your daughter doesn't go, you're going to lose custody forever. And she wrote in the order that she gave my ex the authority to use police force to remove the kids from my home if they didn't go, which was awful yeah, it was awful. So at that point in time I didn't have a choice. I had to have a tough conversation with my daughter. It was awful and they went and it was horrific for the children. The only silver lining and I don't even know if it's silver lining, but we were finally involved in the custody evaluation process so the evaluator essentially got a front row seat to seeing what the impact of the kids would be spending more time with their dad. So that gave her the ability to really give strong recommendations for that not to ever happen, because they saw the emotional impact that it had on them during that time period.

Speaker 2:

And people also think, you know, the court orders an evaluation, it's going to just start and things are going to get better. I mean, they ordered the evaluation, yes, but the evaluator was a little busy so she had to finish some other cases so there was a little bit of a lull. Then we had to do all the intake stuff, pay the retainer, start the interview process, so there's probably a three, four week period there. And then the evaluation itself was supposed to take four months, but in our case it ended up taking 13. And in that 13-month period the kids. For six months of that 13 months the kids were with him five days a week and then for the other seven-month period they had a near 50-50 schedule. So there was still this constant contention because everything with him was a battle, braces were a battle and he would call any of the kids' doctors and scream and yell at them.

Speaker 2:

And my daughter, I remember, once came home from the orthodontist and she's like Mommy, why does my chart say all over it in big red letters, don't talk to dad about mom and don't talk to mom about dad? I mean, just things like that are so, so hard to have a conversation with kids about when they're 10, 11, any age. You know, and I feel like the onus is always on the victim. You know, don't tell the kids about the conflict, Don't expose the kids to the conflict and don't do this. But when you have someone that is essentially terrorizing your family unit and doing things like this, people don't understand that that has an impact on the kids. And when my daughter gets in the car and asked me that question, am I just supposed to sit there and drive home and be like, oh, I don't know, honey, you know everyone, everyone just says that you know, I can't, I can't, as a mother, gaslight my own child about it.

Speaker 1:

Right, exactly. And you know, just going back to Lundy, lundy Bancroft, he says he says the very same thing in that episode we just released about. Like you know, don't lie to the kid. Validate how they feel and help them process it, and that doesn't necessarily ever mean that you need to talk badly about the abusive parent in order to do that. This isn't about them. This is about how the child is feeling. What was the turning point where they no longer have time with dad?

Speaker 2:

So thankfully and bless our evaluator. She really, really, really understood IPV, domestic abuse, coercive control, and I knew that just from her intake form alone. I saw the questions, I saw where she was going with it. She asked for specific examples. She wanted to understand certain things that are very nuanced, that most people that are just looking at the violent incident model probably wouldn't ask. So how is decision-making handled? How is change in parenting time handled? How does your partner ever impact your relationships with other people?

Speaker 2:

And I had done enough research and kudos to Lundy again, I'll say it over and over. But his book why Does he Do that? Really changed my life at that point to understand what she was looking for and what I was experiencing. But I didn't have a word for it at that point. You know, coercive control was kind of just up and coming. So she understood and she really took her time. You know, I think the 13 months was a long time, but it was necessary because there's so much history in our case and she did an excellent job in the report and being that, she really grounds her reports in a lot of research and a lot of supplemental evidence. She interviews tons of collaterals and she does a really thorough job with the amount of visits she has us come in for, and I know there's bad evaluators out there. My heart breaks for people that have experience that.

Speaker 2:

I was lucky, I had a good one and she really put it out there for the court, and the same judge that had essentially ordered the kids to be with him for five days a week now got this report that really spoke to how bad not only that time period was, but the totality of his behavior on the kids, and along with that there were hours and hours of recordings of what he had been doing, because he had been acting the way he had been to the kids since the divorce and separation. But during that seven-month period when he had them for a majority of the time, it got really bad and I was barely allowed to talk to them. I couldn't FaceTime them. My daughter and I had to talk on Snapchat because if he saw texts he would scream at her in the middle of the night and so the Snapchats disappear, and so we had a tremendous amount of recordings and the court saw that and the evaluator was able to speak to the fears that we had for retaliation against the kids for those recordings Because, keep in mind, he still didn't know we had all these recordings.

Speaker 2:

So when the report came out, we all knew that he was going to be made aware of these recordings. So the court took excellent protective measures in that case when the evaluation report came out and since then, which was December of 22, I've had primary custody of the kids and my daughter has not had to go, thankfully, and my son has very, very limited parenting time at this time, but there's a lot of other safeguards that we were able to get, so I'm in a better place. But the ongoing litigation after the report came out was tremendously emotionally and financially draining. We were in court in 2023, I think a total of 13 times because we kept getting called in for case management conferences because they were really keeping a close eye on the case and the progress of the various modalities that he was ordered to do. And then we subsequently had to have a second evaluation that we just finished a few months ago and you know we've been in some negotiations since. So it's been tremendously draining financially and emotionally.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's been a really long journey for all of you and yet somehow you managed to found an organization called New Jersey Protective Moms, and it's a really interesting platform. Tell us about the work you're doing.

Speaker 2:

So in the midst of all of this, of course I'm in a lot of online groups with other moms experiencing this and I see just a lot of venting and they call it like ventilation therapy right, where people are just complaining and I understand it's tremendously emotional.

Speaker 2:

But I saw a lot of complaining and understandably so, and not a lot of doing had been just independently reaching out to senators and legislators trying to get the coercive control added to DV, because I knew enough at that time that I knew we needed that in Jersey and so we decided to band together and create a nonprofit to really leverage as like awareness, education, outreach to try to get some legislative reform in New Jersey. And we knew that we would be better as a united front than independent and it's a lofty goal. But we want to start fundraising one day and hopefully maybe expand to other states so that we can get some sort of program where we can help protective mothers in some capacity when they're ensnared in custody battles with an abusive ex-partner. So that's kind of our five-year plan, but right now it's more just education, awareness and the legislative piece for reform.

Speaker 1:

And then you also are doing work with Divorce Coalition, leading their legislative team. What is that like?

Speaker 2:

So the founders of that found me, I believe, through my work in Jersey because in great news we got course of control codified as an act of domestic abuse in New Jersey. That was signed into law in January of 2024. So that was a huge moment for us. I believe through the articles and stuff I was posting and the networking they found me and they had asked me to join. So they are a group of really robust professionals that have a ton of experience with divorce and they are trying to band together, working to band together really to improve the divorce process for domestic abuse victims. And so in the infantile stages they were flushing out the committees. They were going to have and they want to have a legislative committee. So they asked if I would chair that. Of course I said I would because there's so much, which I think is good.

Speaker 2:

A lot of states are now passing coercive control. There's some legislation, abuse bills that are up and then of course Cadence Law nationally that have trickled down into the states. Various states are passing their own versions like Ohm's Law, peakey's Law, cadence Law in some states. Pennsylvania just passed it finally. So we're going to try to band together and really work with states or organizations on a state level to try to get the laws uniformly passed in all 50 states. That will benefit victims primarily Caden's Law and coercive control and hopefully a litigation abuse bill too.

Speaker 1:

So for people who may not know, tell us what Caden's Law is.

Speaker 2:

So Caden's Law was part of the Violence Against Women Act that was passed in, I want to say 21 or 22. I believe it was 22. I meant to look that up before, so don't quote me if I'm completely wrong. That's okay.

Speaker 1:

I can fix it. Okay, if I'm completely wrong.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's okay, I can fix it, Okay. So basically the main four pillars of Caden's Law are the first pillar is that any experts that are testifying in a custody case must be qualified and they can't just be forensic clinicians. And then courts must also take into consideration abuse factors and history of abuse, no-transcript in various hearings. And then the final version obviously is a little bit edited or changed, so you're not going to get everything you want, but I think what I've heard is the biggest pushback is that judicial training piece. So some states are able to get cadence law through, you know, omitting that. Some have gotten it through, Some have separate bills for components of it. But essentially, you know that's what we really need in terms of custody legislation reform in the states.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, the work you're doing is incredible, because I know you've been through a lot and I think that there are so many survivors out there who are going to benefit from the actions that you're taking today. If you could speak directly to survivors today, what would you like them to know?

Speaker 2:

There's so much. I could probably talk about this forever, but I think the two things knowledge is truly power right? So we live in a very privileged era. We have Google. We have so many resources available to us. I have a ton of resources on my website and if anyone finds anything that they want me to add to my website, I'm happy to add it. I put anything that's free that I think will help people on there, because I think accessibility for victims is a big blocker for a lot of people getting a better resolution in their case.

Speaker 2:

It's tremendously expensive and some people you're overwhelmed. You're in a trauma state so you don't even know where to start. So that's why I try to put all that out there. But knowledge is power. So the more informed you are about your state laws, the custody statute in your state, the divorce process, the custody process, the options available to you, the better. They have podcasts, there's YouTube. There's so much where you can immerse yourself in this world to get the education and the knowledge that you need.

Speaker 2:

So you're dealing with really, really important things. So there's no rush. I mean there's a rush because of the. I know a day feels like an eternity when you're sending your kids to an abusive parent. But I took a long time to do the evaluation in my case because I really wanted to fully understand what I was getting myself into the process, my options, and I needed some time to recover from my experience. It's incredibly traumatizing. It's re-traumatizing. I know they're saying now it's the second most traumatizing thing you can go through as a divorce and I think a contested custody case is probably the first traumatizing thing you could go through outside of a death of a family member, a loved one. But take the time to really arm yourself with knowledge and get people in your camp that you can trust and try to really focus on yourself.

Speaker 2:

I know it's easier said than done but the perpetrators and the abusers we spend so much time trying to fix them in our relationship. Divorce decrees and civil restraints and restraining orders and getting yelled at by the judge sometimes doesn't help the worst offenders. So your time will. There's a lot more value in putting that time and resource into yourself than into that person and trying to change them. And that's where that radical acceptance comes in.

Speaker 2:

That I think a lot of people will misconstrue with just accepting your circumstance or almost saying that their behavior is okay, but that's not how I take radical acceptance. I take it as you have to really take a cold and hard look at. This is the situation you're in and this is that person. So you need to take a step back from trying to fix them and really focus on fixing yourself and giving your kids even if it's only 50% of the time I say to victims you're still giving your kids 50% of the time a peaceful, loving, caring home and eventually, as they age and get older, they will see the difference in the two home environments and they'll feel the difference. So that's when things, I think, really the tide starts to turn as the kids get older.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that is good advice and I really admire your strength and I appreciate you sharing so much of your personal story with us and I love the work that you're doing for others. Before I let you go, tell us the website for New Jersey Protective Moms.

Speaker 2:

Before I let you go tell us the website for New Jersey Protective Moms, so it is njprotectivemomsorg, and I'm also on Instagram and Facebook and my profiles are public again because I like to be accessible. I answer all of the email inquiries that I get. There's a contact us area on our website where you can fill it out. I can add you to our mailing list, but also, if you have questions, I will certainly answer them. I can't give legal advice, obviously, but I do answer questions.

Speaker 2:

I can try to help point you in the right direction and, like I said, on the resource page, there's a ton of resources. I have Christine Cociola, evan Stark, dr Romany bless her too Lundy Bancroft everyone that you can really trust that will validate you and give you good information. They're all on there so you can find them. And, yeah, I mean I'm happy to help as much as I can. My hope really is one day that we have a more trauma-informed family court system. It works for a lot of people that are not dealing with abusive ex-partners, but for those that are dealing with an abusive ex-partner. There needs to be a better system to help that small subset of individuals.

Speaker 1:

Agreed and well said. Courtney, thanks for being on the show, thank you. Attention, spanish-speaking listeners Listen to the end of this podcast for information on how to reach a Spanish-speaking representative of Genesis.

Speaker 3:

Atención hispanohablantes Escucha este podcast hasta el final para recibir información de cómo comunicarse con el personal de Genesis en español.

Speaker 1:

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you can get help or give help at genesisshelterorg or by calling or texting our 24-7 Crisis Hotline Team at 214-946-HELP 214-946-4357. Bilingual services at Genesis include text, phone call, clinical counseling, legal services, advocacy and more. Call or text us for more information. Donations to support women and children escaping domestic violence are always needed. Learn more at genesisshelterorg. Thanks for joining us.

Speaker 3:

I'm reminding you always that ending domestic violence begins when we believe her, or by calling or sending a text message to our 24-hour crisis line at 214-946-4357. Genesis Bilingual Services include text messages, calls, counseling, legal services, advice and more. Call us or send us a text for joining us. Remember that ending domestic violence starts when we believe in the victim. Donate Gracias por unirse con nosotros. Recuerden que el terminar la violencia doméstica empieza cuando creemos a la víctima.