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Myths and Misconceptions: The Covert Tactics of Abusive Men

• Genesis Women's Shelter & Support

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We open the new year by exposing myths that keep victims unheard and abusers protected: the “nice guy” persona, the anger excuse, the belief that leaving solves everything. With Ruth Guerreiro, Chief Clinical Officer at Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support, we walk through the mindsets that drive coercive control and the covert tactics that slip past friends, families, courts, and even clinicians.

In this episode, Ruth breaks down recognizable patterns and behaviors of abusive men. From the demand man and Mr. Right to the drill sergeant, the player, and the terrorist, she shows how entitlement fuels different strategies with the same outcome: fear, isolation, and control. We explore social engineering and how a polished public image becomes a weapon in custody disputes and community spaces. You’ll also hear why anger management misses the point, how “high conflict” labels mask abuse, and what post‑separation abuse looks like when contact is enforced through parenting apps, daily calls, and court orders.

We also get practical. Learn how financial control can hide behind “I’ll handle the bills,” why the silent treatment harms more than shouting, how reckless driving is used to terrify, and how location sharing becomes surveillance. 

SPEAKER_00:

Abusive behaviors and tactics can often be shrouded in myths or disguised through good deeds when they are in fact acts of deceit or gaslighting. Today we explore some of the common myths and misconceptions about abusive partners to illustrate that abuse often does not fit stereotypes and can be overlooked or undetected by victims, professionals, and society, often with devastating consequences. Ruth Caredo, Chief Clinical Officer at Genesis Women's Shelter and Support, joins the conversation to unmask various types of abusers and reveal how their tactics, including covert and individualized forms of control, impact victims in ways that are not always recognized as abuse. I'm Maria McMullen, and this is Genesis, the podcast. Ruth Caredo has been at Genesis since 2011, providing cutting-edge therapeutic services to women and children who have experienced domestic violence. As the chief clinical officer, she supervises and trains mental health counselors as well as occupational therapists across all locations to guarantee that Genesis provides best practice therapies for clients. She seeks out, develops, and oversees, and integrates trauma informed programs to ensure the organization and staff continue to be thought leaders in the movement to end domestic violence. In addition to providing expert testimony in court on behalf of survivors and presenting at several professional conferences, she has provided individual and group therapy to over 1,000 survivors in English and Spanish. Ruth is a licensed clinical social worker supervisor as well as an EMDR consultant. She received her bachelor's degree in marriage, family, and human development from Brigham Young University and her Master of Social Work from the University of Utah. Ruth, welcome back to the show. Thanks, Maria. It's great to be with you. This is going to be one of the first episodes that airs in 2026, and it's probably nothing more fitting than to kick off the air talking about myths and misconceptions about abusers and abusive behavior, and no one better to do that than you, with decades of experience working with survivors of domestic violence and learning all the ins and outs and patterns of coercive and insidious behaviors of abusive partners. And that is just what we're going to do today is talk about them, reveal them, and also give listeners an idea of what they can do about them, right? Yep. Perfect. Before we get into the specifics of myths and misconceptions about abusive partners, let's talk about why this topic is so important.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so when abuse doesn't fit the mold or it seems kind of like out of the box, right? It's really hard for people to recognize that it is abuse. And therefore, for example, victims might feel like they aren't qualified to receive our services, that they don't deserve it because they're not recognizing that that's abuse, right? Helping professionals might not be able to realize that the victim qualifies for services. Maybe a counselor might give an incorrect diagnosis or law enforcement might arrest the wrong person. It's really important to understand these myths so that victims can get the right support that they are looking for. For example, it's common to hear the phrases high conflict divorce or couples conflict, when in reality, the reason why she's having these difficulties is because she's being abused, not because it's highly conflictual, it's because he's being abusive.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's not just people being difficult or uh struggling, you know, in a relationship. When you say abuse doesn't fit the mold, give us an example of that. What would the mold be?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so I think it's really common for people to believe that domestic violence means physical abuse, or maybe they've heard a little bit about verbal and emotional abuse, and so they think that they know what it means. But I wanted to, you know, kind of take a deep dive into the covert abuse tactics, the ones that maybe look like it's nice, it sounds really nice or fine on the outside, doesn't feel like how how could that be abusive or controlling? Um, and really talk through some examples with you on what that actually does to her, right? So for one example, we had a client whose abusive partner was very focused on her physical attributes. And her friends even said things like, Man, I wish my boyfriend, you know, was as attracted to me as your boyfriend is. And he just, you know, just loves the way that you look. But what that meant behind closed doors is that her physical attributes were her only redeeming quality, that she was only good as a sexual partner and nothing else. And so it became, you know, maybe somebody from the outside doesn't think that that's abusive, but that was causing so much emotional abuse for her.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And I think I've heard you say before when you feel fear over the way that you're being treated by a partner, that's when it could be a sign that this behavior is not just being difficult or uh even, you know, possessive. It's could be abusive.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. When you feel like you're being controlled and you have to watch everything you do because there could be a punishment that's coming, there could be some type of retaliation. That's when you recognize, okay, this is abuse. This is not just toxic or unhealthy, but actual abuse.

SPEAKER_00:

So let's get into some of the myths then. What are the common myths about abusers? And give us a list, you know, something we could logically kind of follow.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Some common myths would be number one, um, it doesn't happen that often, right? Like there's not that many abusive men out there, and we know that that's not true. One in three women experiencing abuse in Texas means there are a lot of men who are abusive. Um, something else we hear is that it should be really easy to identify who is an abuser, right? If he, if he's abusive, that means that he would be abusive to everyone. And it would be really easy to notice. And I've seen him be such a nice dad, or he's such a good guy in the community or in our faith community. So surely that can't be an abusive person. Um, another common myth is that abuse is an anger management problem. Like he just needs to learn how to deal with his anger, and he never learned how to appropriately express his emotions. And in reality, we know that that's also not true. Abusive men tend to be very good at controlling their anger because they are not exploding in front of everybody or to their boss or to the police officer who pulls them over, but that it is very directed just towards her and possibly to the children. Um, another myth is that abusers would stop being abusive if she would just leave the relationship or if she would just put a boundary, if she would just say, Don't talk to me that way, right? Um, that he would somehow magically accept that her needs are valid and important and recognize in himself, oh my gosh, I'm mistreating her. And I'm being a little facetious because the reality is like that's not how it happens in abusive relationships. The minute she tries to put up a boundary, she tries to stand up for herself or defend herself is the time when he starts to escalate because now he feels like he's losing some control over her. And so he's going to escalate in his tactics. You know, another common myth is that he's abusive because he grew up in an abusive home or he witnessed his dad be abusive to his mom. Um, and while that can absolutely be a factor and can increase the likelihood that he would become an abusive partner, it's not 100%. Research is showing that 40% of boys who grow up in abusive homes do not become abusive partners themselves. And we can look at the women that we serve at Genesis. Many of them come from abusive homes, and they did not turn out to be abusive towards others or towards their partners.

SPEAKER_00:

Those are some great examples, and I think it's probably hard to have a total comprehensive list of all the different myths and misconceptions. But one of the things that you said really resonated with me when you said it's not an anger management problem. I had a guest on one of the shows recently tell me like there's no amount of deep breathing and meditation that you can do to breathe your way out of being an abusive person. Uh you either are or you aren't. And it's not about the fact that you can't control emotions, as you pointed out. It's that you feel entitled to abuse another person. It's a choice.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's why we can't always point to past history of abuse in childhood for a man who is an abusive partner because it doesn't always lead to being an abusive partner yourself. And it it can in many ways be considered a choice.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00:

So then let's talk about the effects of these abusive behaviors. What effects do we see in victims and survivors when friends, family court, CPS, police believe these myths, the things that are not true that you just told us about?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I think it boils down to we re-victimize them, right? We don't believe them. We either think that she's being too sensitive or that she is doing something wrong, and so she must deserve that type of relationship if that's what she's choosing to be in. In the court system, we see all of the time that abusive dads are receiving child custody rights, um, being able to be alone with children because he's never hurt the kid, but he hurt mom in front of the child. And so, again, with that myth, if the judge believes, well, look, here's this dad who's saying he loves his children, he wants to be with them, and nobody is saying that he hurt the children. And so he must not be that bad of a guy, right? He must not be abusive. Um, we see a lot of times in court when people don't recognize the abuse, sometimes dads will get not just custody, but sometimes they'll get like daily phone calls, especially with young children. That seems to be a thing, you know, daily FaceTime, for example. Um, and when the children then don't want to visit with dad, don't want to talk on the phone with dad, now it's mom's fault. And so again, mom is the one that's being held responsible. Um, we see, you know, in CPS, sometimes kids are taken away from moms because they're maybe a little bit charmed by the abusive partner. Uh, we see the abusive partners being able to gaslight other people, right? And so through his actions, through his words in public, it makes it so that those other professionals don't believe her. And so she now is having more trauma symptoms, she's experiencing more isolation. Um, she's really like not having any type of a support system, and no one in the system helping her to heal from this abuse because they're not identifying it as abuse.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and these uh abusers will try to ruin their intended victim's life in any way possible, any and every way possible. Yep, absolutely and weaponize the kids. This is, I mean, we hear it over and over again, but we can't talk about it enough just to point to the fact that this is a huge problem. And it's one in three women in Texas are going through a situation like this.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And it's so manipulative of him to perpetuate these myths, right? To maybe he's gonna blame, oh, well, I hit her because I was drinking, or you know, well, I just can't control myself because this is what I saw my dad do, or I just I'm just so angry and so stressed out at work. And so he's minimizing his behaviors, taking the responsibility off of him. And now it's her job to just accept it, to recognize, oh, okay, well, I must be doing something wrong to anger him, or I know that he's stressed at work, so I just need to be, you know, the perfect wife, when in reality he's just using those as excuses.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. So let's talk a little bit about social engineering. What is that and how can it be so effective as an abuse tactic?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So social engineering is when the abusive partner creates this facade, this persona of who he is in front of other people, in front of family, friends, church leaders, community members, judge, right, court, CPS. Um, he's showing that he's this great guy, that he is loving, that he's caring about his kids, that he wants the best for her. And so he's showing everyone else how great of a guy he is for a few reasons, right? The abuse comes in because now no one is going to believe her. How in the world could he be abusing her if I see him every Friday at soccer practice and every Sunday in church, right? So he's again creating this idea of who he is in court system. She's not gonna have anybody, any character witnesses say anything negative about him because he's created it so that no one has anything negative to say. Maybe he then creates it so that there's pressure on her family to tell her, like, no, you should stay with him. You know, he's such a great guy. He provides for you. Um, so it really does become this situation where he's gonna convince others of his reality, that he's a good guy, that she's the problem. Because in social engineering, he might start to not just build himself up, but now degrade her to other people, right? Oh, well, she was drinking a lot last night, you know, so she was really struggling, whether that was true or not. Or, you know, well, she's just been really having a hard time, you know. I think that she might be thinking about killing herself. I mean, this happens frequently that our clients get hospitalized because the abuser tells the police, well, she said that she was gonna kill herself when in reality that's not what she said. Or maybe she said, I can't do this anymore, I can't keep going, because of the amount of abuse and violence that she's experiencing.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it is manipulative. And I mean, we could probably talk about that all day, right? It's all, and when you've said this a million times, it's all about power and control. He holds the power and he has to have the control. And so whatever it takes to keep it that way is what he's gonna do. And that is the truth. That's not a myth. And now we're gonna talk about the truths. Um, you mentioned earlier that not all abusers are the same. So some act out with physical abuse, some will abuse you emotionally, but never hit you and uh put on this act, as you just said, to the world that you know they're really such a nice guy. So let's talk about the different types of intimate partner abusers out there.

SPEAKER_01:

So there are several different types of abusive men that we have seen with our clients. So the first one is the demand man. This is the guy who's very highly entitled. He might not be as controlling as other abusers as long as his needs are getting met, right? This is the one who believes that no one should be putting any demands on him because his needs are the most important. Then you have Mr. Wright. Mr. Wright is the guy who is always right about everything. It doesn't matter the topic, it doesn't matter how much actual knowledge he has or not. So, so the victim in that case, it doesn't like her opinion doesn't count at all. And in fact, he will even sometimes be very condescending and act in a way that he needs to save her from her own idiocy, right? Her own opinion because she doesn't know and he knows better. He's speaking in absolute certainties, you know, and kind of just making it in the family that everybody has to believe what he believes or else they're wrong and they're stupid for thinking otherwise. Right, yes. Then you have what's called the water torture. This is the abuser who is cold hearted. He has this quiet derision and meanness, right? So he can stay really calm. It looks like he's not escalating, but it's very aggressive conversational tactics. You might see some sarcasm or like some cruel or cutting remarks. Um, this would be the guy that maybe is saying, uh, you know, as long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, right? Because like I'm not yelling at you, I'm not hitting you. And so it's very manipulative in that way. The next type is the drill sergeant. This is the guy who is extremely controlling, right? Everything has to be just so exactly how he wants it. He's gonna be fanatically jealous, um, even sexually degrading to his partner. This is the one that just wants to control every single step that she makes, knowing exactly where she is and what she's doing at all times. Then you have Mr. Sensitive. This is another one, Maria, that maybe is hard to identify as being abusive. He might be soft-spoken and gentle when he is not yelling and screaming, right? He's the one who wants her to focus her attention on him exclusively and at all times. His emotional injuries are gonna be like what's the most important. And at any time, if she were to say something like, you know, that's not okay what you're doing, or that makes me feel bad. Now he's going to put her in the box. See, you're just like everyone else who's always so mean to me. It's his emotional injury that's the most important, and her feelings don't count at all. Right. Then you have the player, and that is what it sounds like, right? Usually they're good looking. Um, they seem to be head over heels in love with her in the beginning, and then that kind of fades away. He then will start to maybe flirt with other women, and he gets kind of a a high from watching women fight over him. He wants her to be jealous. She's gonna like do things to get his attention back, and so that's the abuse tactic. That's him like kind of using her as his puppet, right? He sounds he sounds very insecure, actually. Yes, yeah, at the heart of it. Yeah. Another type is the Rambo, and that is somebody who is aggressive with everyone. So this might be the one that everyone thinks, oh, yeah, I know abusers because they look like this. That's the Rambo, right? He's mean to everyone. Um, he enjoys intimidating other people, not just her. He might be the one who is creating fear, like we talked about earlier, fear, but in all different aspects of her life. And he enjoys being this like protector, but really he doesn't respect women. He just wants to be kind of that face of like she's going to want to be with him because he can protect her because he's so mean and he'll, you know, he can be like that bear for other people. Um, and maybe he tries to convince her at the beginning that he's not going to be like that to her, but of course it ends up being that he is just as abusive and mean to her as well. Yeah. And then you also have the victim. So this is the one that plays the victim that everyone is out against him, everyone is wronging him, he's always blameless. This is a guy that's very self-centered, and he will say, you know, nobody understands me or nobody appreciates me. And so, even like on social media, for example, he might be the one that's putting out posts or videos about how life is just so hard for him. And again, the abuse comes in when he is making it so that she has to change her behavior in order to quote unquote keep him happy, or else he's gonna be mean to her. So, like that retaliation. Um, and then finally the terrorist, and this is the guy who's highly controlling, extremely demanding. He's reminding her that he could physically harm her or kill her at any time just to keep her in line, right? So it's the constant making those comments, or maybe he's carrying around his gun on his hip or sleeping with the gun under his pillow at all times. Um, he enjoys causing that pain and that fear. His goal really is to paralyze her, to make it so that she just is, you know, exactly doing everything that he wants her to do. So finally, the last type of abuser would be the mentally ill or the addicted abuser. And I want to be really careful here because I'm not saying that all abusers have a mental illness or that all abusers have an addiction. And I'm definitely not saying that everyone with a mental illness is an abuser, and you know, I'm not saying that everyone who has an addiction is abusive. Um, but there are types who maybe the the mental illness or their addiction is a factor and it causes the abuse to escalate. It could also make it feel like when he's not using drugs or alcohol, then he's a really nice guy, and that can feel really confusing for her because then it does look like he's only being abusive because of his drinking or his using of drugs. Um, it can make it more likely that he'd be abusive, but it doesn't always have to be that way.

SPEAKER_00:

So this is a pretty significant list of different personalities and the uh harm that they might do. Are these technical terms? I'm using air quotes, or are these terms that you have put together to help us understand what type of abuse this is?

SPEAKER_01:

Aaron Powell Yeah, great question. Thank you for asking about the source, right? Where are we getting the names or the titles of these abusive partners? So this comes from a book, Why Does He Do That, written by Lindy Bancroft. It's a book that really looks at the types of abusers and the mindset of an abuser. Um, what I will say is working at Genesis for 14 years now and working with so many clients, when we talk at Genesis about these different types of abusers, our clients will recognize that. And maybe she wouldn't have named it the, you know, the victim or the terrorist, but she recognizes, oh yeah, I had a partner that was like this, and someone else in the group might say, oh yeah, no, my partner was more like this guy, more like Rambo or, you know, the demand man. And so, yes, these terms are coming from why does he do that? And we have seen it so many times in our clients' experiences and describing their partners.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and I I think also to add to that, any one of these types of abusers are capable of committing any type of abuse, right? Physical abuse is not just from the Rambo, it could be from any different abusive type.

SPEAKER_01:

Correct. I love that you said that, Maria, because you could probably put a list together of types of abuse that would most commonly fall under each of those men, but it doesn't mean that they're limited to just those abuse tactics. I will say that having categories of different types of abusers has been really helpful in counseling because, for example, a client who has maybe had multiple abusive partners, it might feel like this new guy is not abusive because he doesn't act the same way that the first guy did. And so she might say, Well, no, he's not abusive because that first guy, he was yelling and screaming at me all of the time, and he would hit me if I said something wrong. And this guy, he's never laid a hand on me and he never yells at me. And so being able to talk to her about there are other types of abuse tactics or abusers, not just the guy who's yelling and screaming at you.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I mean, basically nobody should be trying to control you. So some of the types of abusers you described use tactics that many people might not consider to be abusive. And so let's talk about examples of covert abuse tactics and why they are considered abusive.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, there are different, several different examples of covert abuse tactics. I want to say abusers know their victim and they are very specific and intentional in choosing which type of tactic is going to work for her, right? Something that works for one partner might not work for another. So it is very individualized. Um, also, when thinking about these different covert tactics, it's important to think about abuse in context in the whole relationship. So I have a couple examples for you. Um, so one example was we had a client who was her partner was actually in jail and he was waiting to go to court. And so, you know, they record all of the jail calls. And on a jail call, he had said to her on the phone, I'm so sorry. I'm, you know, I didn't mean to do that. I can't wait until I can get out of here so that we can go to the beach. Remember that beach that we went to on our honeymoon? I just, I want us to go back to how it was in the beginning. I love you and I want to be with you again. So to everyone else, that doesn't sound like it's abusive, right? He's saying he loves her, he's apologizing, he's saying he wants to take her on a vacation. What she knows is that that that beach on their honeymoon is where he strangled her for the first time. And so that was the hidden message that no one else would have known except for her. We have a lot of clients who have to use Family Wizard when they communicate with the abusive partner. It's a court app to be able to record all of the different communication between the two partners. Same thing. He might be saying some very nice, wonderful things on the app, but there is that hidden message that is just for her because she knows what that actually meant and that it's a threat. I think there are so many different tactics under that that could be covert. One example is giving her an allowance. Um, that might sound really nice. Oh, great, I don't have to worry about a budget. Just give me this allowance and I'll just do what I want with this money. Um, but then when it comes to maybe punishing her and how she's using the allowance or giving her less and less money, and so she has to be more resourceful and how is she gonna use this? Another financial abuse tactic would be putting all of the bills in his name. And so that sounds nice. Like, okay, he says, honey, you're so busy, you're running our household, you're raising our children, I'm gonna take care of the bills. I have to pause and say, Maria, I would love someone to take care of my bills, right? Right, right. Like that would be fabulous. So in this situation, it sounds like that's a really great deal. Okay, yeah, I'll focus on the house and the kids, and you focus about the money. But what happens when he puts the electricity in his name and then he doesn't pay the bill? Or he gets to lie to her about how much it is, and so we're not gonna turn the AC on. It's August in Dallas, but we're not gonna turn it higher than 80 because it, you know, it's too expensive. And now he has total control over that, or when they lose water because he refused to pay and she's calling the company and they're saying, Well, your name's not on it, you're not authorized, I can't give you any information. Yeah, that happens all the time too. It does, yes, it does. Um, another one I think that people forget about is a silent treatment, right? Because he's not yelling at her, he's not screaming, he's not saying anything mean to her, and so how is that abusive?

SPEAKER_00:

Silent I hate to interrupt you, but the silent treatment is so damaging to s your psychological health. And we did an episode on specifically that form of abuse several years ago. Uh I I'd have to go find it in the library, but it was so good. And and it's just people don't understand how silence can actually just slowly diminish a person.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely. And it it makes you start to question yourself and the reality, and you become very isolated and very depressed. Um, you know, other things I would say, reckless driving, people don't think about that as being abusive. But when you're in a car, who has total control? Right. The driver. And so driving too close to other people, weaving in and out of lanes, having that aggressive behavior can really scare her and put her in physical harm. And he knows that. And so he's doing that intentionally to make her scared, to make her see that he is the one that has power and control. I also want to point out unpredictability, because again, abusive people typically are not abusive 100% of the time. There's gonna be some times when it feels calm when you experience that manipulative kindness, that it seems like he's being nice, right? And so when you can't predict, because what will happen is victims and survivors will start to learn how to read his face expressions, his body language, his mood, because for survival, she needs to know when is he escalating, when is he about to escalate, so that she knows what safety plan to use. But if he's unpredictable and sometimes he gets mad, and then sometimes he doesn't get mad, now she doesn't know what to expect. And so she can feel like she's walking on eggshells because at any point he could get mad because now there's nothing to predict.

SPEAKER_00:

So a lot of these types of examples that you've just mentioned could be if they're living together or if they're not living together, right? Because you could do things through technology and so on and so forth. So let's talk about when they are specifically living together, so husband, wife, or two partners, and the things you might not think of that are abusive that are tactics like we just don't hear about.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so I have a few. One example would be let's say she has an important event coming up, or they have an important event, um, but he maybe doesn't really want to go. And so he might start to take her time. Maybe he says, you know, let's just just help me with this one thing really fast, it'll be fast. Or he just continues to drag on a conversation or an argument and making it so that then they are late to it or that they have to miss it altogether. That could be considered an abuse tactic because he's trying to control her time. Another similar thing would be kind of this time management idea. He's gonna create a schedule, and maybe it's like, oh, we're gonna start dieting and we're gonna follow the schedule and we're gonna wake up at this time and go to bed at this time. And it sounds like that's really great. I have to say, it would be great if she's on board, if the both of them had decided together, right? And like have equal voice in what that plan is gonna be. But when he takes over and he's creating this, this perfect schedule for her to follow, and then she doesn't follow it, or she maybe misses it a little bit, then it turns into the gaslighting of, oh, you must not love me because I spent so much time on this schedule, and why are you not following this, you know, or you don't care about me, you're not trying to help me to lose weight because you keep cooking this food that has sugar and fat in it. Um, it might also be that inside of the house, he might move things without telling her and making it hard for her to find things. So making it hard so that she runs late every morning to work because she can't find the car keys, or she just cannot find her phone anywhere and she's frantically trying to find it before she runs out of the house. Um, or he hides all of the phone chargers in the home. And so he's not copping up to that. He's not saying, Oh yeah, I put that over there. Just when she says, Oh gosh, like I need a phone charger, my phone's about to die. Have you seen one? No, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know where any of them are. Um, something that's common these days is location sharing. And I'm sure lots of listeners are gonna be like, uh-oh, what's happening, right? Because I know people do it all of the time. But location sharing can start out sounding like it's sweet. Oh, I just want to make sure that you're safe. If you just let me, you know, share your location with me, then I'll know where you are so that I can keep you safe. And what happens is then now it turns into now he knows exactly where she is at all times. And why are you at that store? And you better not be spending money over at Target, or I told you I didn't like you hanging out with that friend, but I can see that you're at her house. Um, or you know, what why are you still at work? You were off 30 minutes ago. What are you doing? And so again, it can turn into that control when it sounded like it was sweet and maybe innocent because I know my mom, for example, shares her location with me and with my sisters, and my sister share, I refuse to, but that's because of my job, right? Like I'm not doing that. Um, not that my mom or sisters are abusive, just that like it's very common in families to do that. But when you have someone who is unhealthy and abusive, that's when they're going to start taking advantage of that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and I think each of us should have control about who knows where we are, right? We're all adults, we're doing what we're supposed to be doing. And if you don't want a location share, you don't have to. Right. Right? It's okay to say no. So despite domestic violence being prevalent in the world, in this country, and in the state of Texas, many people in society tend to put the responsibility on the victim, on the survivor to stop the abuse by telling her she needs to change her behaviors so he won't abuse her. I don't agree with that at all, but but that is what others might say. Um, or they may tell her that she should leave the relationship so he won't abuse her anymore, which that also is another myth. Can you talk about why those beliefs are myths and can be very harmful?

SPEAKER_01:

So saying those types of things puts the responsibility on her, right? It puts the onus on her to have to make a change or somehow people believe that she has control of making him stop being abusive. What we know is absolutely that is not the case. Doesn't matter if she tries to leave the abusive partner or she tries to put a boundary, he is going to abuse her if he wants to abuse her. So post-separation abuse, which I believe we've talked about before, is very common. Um, I would say it happens all of the time. So just because she leaves doesn't mean the abuse is going to stop. And in fact, we know that leaving can be the most dangerous time in the relationship. And so telling her to leave could also be putting her in danger of being killed. We see this very often in the court system and with the CPS system, that they at the beginning tell both mom and dad, okay, you need to do these steps, right? Go to parenting, go to anger management, all of the things. And quickly they see that the abusive partner is not willing to go, doesn't do all of the things that they're asking, doesn't comply with their safety plan or their treatment plan. And so then they get tired of trying to fight with him to get him to do that. So then they just look to mom because mom is complying and she's doing all of the things and she's jumping through all of the hoops that they're asking her to do. Um, and so then it becomes easy to say, well, why don't you and your kids just leave the house? Since he won't leave the house, why don't you guys just leave? And then what? And then what? And then she's homeless, and then she goes to court for custody, and then the judge says, Well, she's homeless and she doesn't have a job and she doesn't have stable housing for the kids, so the kids get to go with dad. It it's a whole cycle.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, it's systemic barriers to equity, right? The the system is set up to uh continue abuse and then punish victims who were victims of abuse.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. It is really common also for society just to believe that she needs to tolerate him more. If she would just give in what he wants, right?

SPEAKER_00:

If she if she would just I don't know, I think that's gonna be the title of this episode. If she would just, right.

SPEAKER_01:

Then everything would just be perfect. Right. And unfortunately that's not true, right? If she would just k have the house clean, then he wouldn't be so angry, or cook the food the right way, then he would be happy, or you know, w whatever it is, again, it's just this idea that if she's gonna do everything he wants her to do to keep him happy, that's not a healthy relationship. That's abuse. That's her. Well, especially if she remains unhappy. Right. Right. Thank you. Because there might be relationships that are healthy and not abusive where she does want to have the house clean and she wants to cook the food that he likes. That's okay. But it's it's when she feels scared that she's going to experience some type of punishment or retaliation if she doesn't do something exactly right. He's the one who's entitled, right? He believes he has the right to hurt her. I have to say there are minimal consequences when he treats her poorly, especially if he's not doing any abusive tactics that are illegal. Of course, physical abuse, sexual abuse, that's going to be illegal. But that verbal and emotional abuse that doesn't cross the line into legality, that's still very hurtful and harmful to her. We have clients who say that it's most difficult to heal from that verbal and emotional abuse, way more than the physical and sexual. And so, um again, it's just us understanding the reality is that there is nothing she can do to deserve abuse. There's also nothing she can do to stop the abuse. So instead, we're looking at what are the safety plans that she can do. I definitely don't. Want this to sound hopeless. Um, you know, what's the coping skills and the safety plans? What's the information that she can learn so that she can recognize when he's escalating?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it isn't hopeless for sure. There is help and there is hope, and that is why you and I are both here and working at Genesis. But an abusive mindset is not something that you can correct. It's on the abuser. Again, it's a choice for to abuse someone or not abuse someone. And if they have an abusive mindset, it's not your responsibility to fix that. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

And I will say, I think abusers are capable of changing if they want to change. But they have to want to change, and then they have to work on it every single day, like an addict would say, I'm an addict and I'm working on it every single day. But the abusive mindset is not like that. They're not going to want to change because they feel entitled. They don't think that what they're doing is wrong.

SPEAKER_00:

That's it. Right there. I've been waiting for you to say it, and that is absolutely what it is. They don't think it's a bad thing. They believe that they can control other people and that they should be able to do that. Yeah. I mean, I think we've said it all, have we not? Um, what can our listeners do if they suspect their loved one is experiencing domestic violence?

SPEAKER_01:

So let them know that you are worried about them, that you care about them, that you noticed that something might be happening. Let them know that there are free and confidential services like Genesis available to them. Let them know that they can call us and they can learn more about our services. I do also want to say that my counseling team does provide services to friends and family, which means anybody who is watching a loved one experience domestic violence could call us and receive some services with us and be able to receive a lot of information on how more to help them and then how that impacts them, right? I do want to acknowledge it's hard to watch a loved one go through domestic violence. And so we are here also to help support you and to provide some brief help that way, doing safety plannings, learning about the cycle of violence and the dynamics of abuse. Um, so again, I would say friends and family and survivors and victims can call our Genesis 24 hour hotline at 214-946-4357.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, and they can also text. They can touch the 24-hour helpline, and they can visit our website at GenesisShelter.org. Ruth, thank you for being here today. Thanks for having me. Genesis Women's Shelter and Support exists to give women in abusive situations a way out. We are committed to our mission of providing safety, shelter, and support for women and children who have experienced domestic violence and to raise awareness regarding its cause, prevalence, and impact. Join us in creating a societal shift on how people think about domestic violence. You can learn more at GenesisShelter.org and when you follow us on social media, on Facebook and Instagram at Genesis Women's Shelter, and on X at Genesis Shelter. The Genesis Helpline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by call or text at 214 946 HELP. 214 946 4357.